Failing

Failing

I keep failing. I’m not upset by this word and if you are it’s ok. I don’t mind failure, well, I don’t mind failure in the same way I did 20 years ago. Failure 20 years ago was the end of the world and marked my doom and ultimate demise. Failure now is not so dramatic. Failure now feels more like a checklist of what doesn’t work and what not to do and how to do what I do even better.

I’ve been attempting to lose a substantial amount of weight for more than 20 years. I’m sure if you know me you have heard mention of such weight loss attempts, ad nauseam, it’s annoying I’m sure. There was a point when I lost about 60lbs, of the 100lbs plus pounds I intend to lose. I felt great about my 60lb weight loss accomplishment. Then I went thru some shitty life stuff and gained the weight back. Technically, I failed, however, I also learned what worked, how great it was to feel 60lbs lighter and one of the biggest lessons, that I definitely have the tools to navigate emotional traumas and setbacks better next time. So, when I lose 60 to 100lbs this time, and I will- mark it baby! I’ll have an even greater chance at long term success. And if I fail that time, I will figure out even more necessary support mechanisms to put in place for the next time.

Being an actor, I face rejection/failure constantly. Trust me out of 50 auditions maybe 1-5 actually lead to a booked job and that’s a good year! I failed at my first marriage, I failed at several relationships, I’ve failed friendships, I’ve failed and failed and failed. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had to work hard not to fall into a miserable state of depression over my failures, prayer, dancing, and anti-depressants are very helpful. Whatever works. At 43 years young I’m excited to be at the point where I’m proud of me for continuing to try and fail.

Like that fucking train, you know the one, the “I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.” Train. Except, I know I can, I know I can, I know I can! Cause I will keep not stop, and I will keep failing till I get there. I don’t know where there is, per se, but I’ve got 53 years more to figure it out!

HAZA! FAIL GREATLY TODAY!

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What is truth?

I woke up this morning thinking about truth. What is truth? The phrases ‘I have to speak my truth’, or ‘I’m just speaking my truth’ has become a cultural mantra taking our society by storm. The hackneyed phrase(s) annoy the shit out of me they feel like excuses one uses to justify a lack of civility, kindness, and or/respect. Is it possible to speak one’s truth and not be a dick or an asshole? Also, if it’s not universally true can it truly be true? If it’s “true” for me and “not true” for you, what does that mean? Do we all have small too true truth universes in our heads? If so, why are we surprised that there’s such disagreement and discord in our reality? Does truth fluctuate?

Almost every decade I realize the truths I believed in so doggedly and fought and defended so voraciously no longer hold true or (this is my favorite) don’t matter in the grand scheme of my life anyway.

Is life so boringly just black and white, truth and not truth? I’ve gotten and continue to get my share of shit because I generally focus on the gray. If black or white isn’t working to make my life sparkle and shine the way I want it to sparkle and shine then the hell with black and white. Fuck it! I’m going gray.

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