21-Day Challenge

I am doing another challenge. This one isn't about the food I eat or even exercise. This challenge is a NO COMPLAINING CHALLENGE! I have declared that I will go 21 days without gossiping, complaining, criticizing or uttering negative language. If I do, I must start all over at day one. That means if I get to day 20 and fall off the wagon I must begin again. I started this challenge on June 4th 2013. I have had to restart many times. Actually, I have to start all over again tomorrow. I know. I know. I am a work in fucking progress. Believe it or not, there are many who have been able to complete this challenge. I will be one of them one day, one day soon. Just not today. I have also agreed not to gossip, complain, criticize, or utter negative language in my blog. I suppose that means that cursing is on the back burner for a moment. Even though cursing is the flavor in my word stews, I suppose I can go without the taste for three weeks.

This challenge has left me a little baffled as to what to say because so much can be considered fodder for the categories of conversation that are off limits to me. I will attempt to share, truthfully and more personally uplifting material until I succeed at the challenge.

I must say that I am very proud of myself. I am learning to forgive my self for leaving my home and marriage. I am forgiving myself many other mistakes of my distant and not so distant past. Honestly, I am falling in love with me for the first time. I actually like myself for many more hours out of the day than ever before. I am liking me just the way I am. There are no major external changes to my physical body or my financial position, however, I am gaining a great deal of happiness from the decision to treat me with the love and care that I was expecting others to treat me with. This new way of seeing is all about identifying the Spirit within and allowing that good God stuff to really be the focus of my life. I find myself praying and meditating for longer times. I am smiling more and truly listening when others speak more. I am listening to the small voice within and honoring my soul in ways I never ever understood before. There are still days when I am sad. I allow my sadness to exist and I refuse to beat myself up for the sad feeling or the crying. I just love me thru it and it comes and goes, gently. There are days when I am mad and upset, on those days I simply breathe and watch the energy change and dissipate. I still have days when my Ego attempts to run-amuck. I am learning to watch Ego and not just react. Just watching and loving.

My Ego is a manifestation of my fears, it kicks off my flight or fight responses and triggers all my past stuff. I am now knowing that Ego and fear is not real. So, I do not allow my mind to get carried away in the drama. Ha! I am not carried away by the drama. There was a point in my life that I couldn't even identify my dramas. Now they are clear and I forgive me them too. I am now practicing Love, all day, all night, in all ways. It has been my longest held deepest believe that Love is the question and the answer. That Love is the onlyiest and most important thing that exists. I know that Love will heal where no thing has been able. I am actively putting my knowing to the test. There are moments when my success seems, well, questionable. I know in those times that I am gathering skills to navigate the next level with more Love, ease, and grace.

Just because I left, I fell in love with me, I found the love of God within me, I am working toward my dreams of being of purpose and service. I am to awaken consciousness thru Love around the globe. I am a Love builder. I build love everywhere I go. That is the biggest most rewarding challenge ever!

RUMI

Much Love,

E!

 

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Miraculous Home

Yesterday in the shower, I broke, as the shower head sprayed, tears burned trails of salty hot down my soaking cheeks. My body wrenched with pain. I was keening, though no one was dead. I screamed for God. I called out, 'God, help me! God, save me! God, I surrender, please, please, please take this I cannot bear it!' I was loud, yelling begging dripping with fear and completely naked literally and figuratively. I was awaiting a miracle. I was thinking that it would be a burning bush, or wine to water, but no, the miracle didn't appear like the stories of the Bible, yet it was no less miraculous.

HAPPENINGS MIRACULOUS

I washed myself clean, stepped out of the shower and toweled dry. Then I blew my nose, and wiped my tears even as they continued to gently flow. I brushed my teeth. Ten minutes later I was slipping my earrings in and heading out the door. I drove to work where I teach students how to manage their emotions using positive coping mechanisms and theatre. This day I was working with students at a suspension center in the Bronx. I listened to Joel Osteen and messages from the Center of Spiritual Living. I ended the hour and a half drive to work with Dan Savages podcast. When I arrived at school the bad ass beautiful foul mouthed magnificent children smiled and chatted happy to see me. One of them, a little chunky Puerto Rican girl I call mini me came up and gave me a big hug, she said, "Miss, today is my last day, I'ma miss you though, for real." This is a very tough child from the South Bronx who doesn't normally hug. She hugged me.

Where's the miracle? In the details. I made it to work, on time, actually I was early. Miracle. I smiled laughed and connected with students. Miracle. Mini me hugged me and well, Mirracle. The inspirational messages I listened to were perfectly on point and gave me exactly what I needed at the exact moment I needed it.

At this moment I am conscious of God within. This knowing moment of Oneness and Unity, creates a feeling of peace and freedom and knowing, it was a moment of euphoria. The moment didn't last very long. I want to say that is sad, but I don't truly feel sad about it. I feel a sense of peace and a heightened expectation to be that conscious of God. I know I can do that again and again.

I have dug deep, in an attempt to understand the reasons I have metaphysically created the challenges that I am experiencing. I have put my shovel down for a while. The why isn't a solution. The solution is to keep my attention on the G*d. Within as with out.

There are situations that are occurring in life that are completely and utterly heartbreakingly painful. There are also moments that are the pinnacle of bliss and perfection. I am sure that I am not alone in that experience. The duality and knowing calms and brings great peace and connection. I am not alone. Miracles happen every moment, over and over. Life ebbs and flows around me and there are truly no mistakes, merely what is.

I will have bad days, I will have good days. I choose GOD presence in all ways, all days, always. IT doesn't stop the pain, IT doesn't change the realities that exist. What IT does is much more profound. IT lives in me and so I know and remember that I am a spiritual being having a human experience and not just a frail fallible human floating around lost and searching to belong. I am beautiful and rare manifestation of God.

Just because I left...

I am home.

It's a miracle.

 

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