MAN SIZED POO & THE RUNNER

Disclaimer

I’m a lesbian and have been for the past twenty plus years. I didn’t grow up with a brother, father, or any other male as a regular fixture in my home.  Outside of a one term male roommate in college; I’ve never actually lived with a male until my beautiful, stinky -Man Sized Poo creator- little son was born. I do have some close male friends; however, we were never close enough to get into the nitty gritty deets of each others poo or poo processes. I don’t think I’ve ever known when one of my male friends, gay or straight has ever poo’d. I’m not sure why I needed to differentiate between straight or gay with that previous sentence, but oh well.

Anyway, me and the fellas never shared bodily function intimacies like I have with many of the women I have either been with or been friends with.  With women I have shared poo secrets and profoundly personal poo details including poo-ing frequency, size, color, shape and strain. At thirty nine years old I am noticing an increase in the discussion of poo. It’s a poo talk phenomenon and becoming more and more frequent within my age group. We are all near bouts or over forty and I guess we talk poo so much because it’s a healthiness indicator. I know most of us realize how truly important having healthy poo can be. Many of these female relationships go back over two and a half decades and are ripe for new levels of intimacy and a deeper understanding of one another; poo seems to be that natural and deeper next level.

Man Sized Poo. That's what my almost two and a half year old son does.

The fact is when I refer to Man Sized Poo, I’m not speaking from firsthand experience, thankfully. I’m assuming MSP is a lot bigger, smellier and grosser than the delicate movement us softer gentler creatures. Since I do know, firsthand, that we supposed gentler creatures can create evacuations of enormous proportion and loathsome odor it seems logical to deduct that our male counterparts’ mass departures are at least double if not triple our dainty loads. LOL @ Dainty!

The point to this poo ranting blog post is that this morning I told my little almost two and a half year old son that we were going to initiate a new rule. The new rule was that today he was going to wear pull-ups and when he felt the urge to pee or poo he was going to say, ‘mommy, pee pee or mommy poo poo.’ Simple enough. The next step I took was to have my precious boy practice pulling up and pulling down the pull-up. While I did most of the work he did kind of comply if only because I kept directing his hands. Ultimately he said, “yesh,” when I asked if he understood the instruction for the day. I was giddy and hopeful. We hugged, kissed, and tickled, and began our glorious morning. 

First we stopped at the Farmer’s Market and after getting our vegan pastry, my joyful little one asked to carry the bag. I decided that it was a great moment to barter. I agreed to let him hold the bag if he promised to tell me when he had to pee pee or poo poo. He looked at me oddly, however, when I said, “Say ‘yes mommy’, if you agree.” He replied a singsong string of “yesh mommy, yesh mommy, yesh mommy.” Great we were in complete agreement. From the Farmer’s market we continued on our marry way to finish the rest of our errands. 

While we were out my boy had some juice and I reminded him gently of our deal, while it seemed as if he were ignoring me, when I checked his pull-up as we made our way home, it was dry. I was confident success would be mine! When were safely home I began making the little Princes’ bed. That’s when I realized he had left the room and been silent for more than three minutes.

“Boy, where’s my boy?” I called. 

He was silent a moment more, then replied, “Coming.” He bounded into the room and hugged my leg. Then he started picking up toys with me. I thought, ‘what a cooperative young lad, my son!’ I was in ecstatic mommy bliss when we sat down to play with trains. 

That’s when I smelled it. At first I thought it was a ghost poo smell. You know - that smell that always seems to reek of poos gone by? I sometimes think the poo stink gets stuck on my nose hairs or begins to cling to the walls because I feel like I can smell it even when there is certainly nothing there. It’s that fart stank that seems to accompany little boys even when freshly bathed.

Quite unfortunately I soon discovered it was not ghost poo. It was not the slight stench of poo diapers gone by. It was fresh and it was poo present.

“T, did you poo poo?” I asked.

No reply.

“T, come here.” T scampered to me without answering, his two signature cars in hand.

“T did you do a stinky?” I asked calmly and directly.

Still there was no answer from the almost two and a half year old offender.

I pulled him close, looked into his eyes and asked for the final time, “Teverico, did you drop a deuce in your pull-up?”

T, looked up at me coquettishly, and said, “hug mommy.” He hugged me and then tuba puckered his lips and kissed me with a loud “Muah.” Then the little crap maker ran from me as fast as his short long legs could carry him.

“Teverico come back!” I called.

“Bye – bye mommy, bye-bye!” he yelled as he ran.

MPS a.k.a The Runner

I sat for an instant dumbfounded and then began  to ponder my next move; I was and am determined. He will not defeat me! Hell, I had finished a triathlon! I could get this kid to poo on the potty. I got up and gave chase; he’s a fast and slippery little bugger! I finally caught him and he collapsed into my arms as I collapsed onto the sofa. T laughing loudly and screaming, “tickle-tickle-tickle mommy!”

No fair! He was using his cute against my purpose! The gall to be so cute while perfuming the house with his stank!

I swooped the boy up in my arms tickling him as we headed back to his room.

I changed the mega stank nasty Man Sized Poo my little runner had created, all the while lecturing.

“Teverico, we made a deal, you agreed. In this life when you make a deal, especially about the potty, it’s really important to stick to it. It’s about integrity son, you gotta have integrity. It’s one of the four agreements.”

He laughed completely oblivious to the pearls I was offering.

After the changing, I continued to lecture and tickle.

“I don’t know if I will feel comfortable making deals with you in the future because you don’t even seem to care about reneging on this one. Do you know how that makes mommy feel…”

Hey don’t judge me! People say talk to your kids as if they understand what we’re saying, so…

There seems little need for me to continue. You get the point. Plus, T had started zurberting my face!

That’s the end of my little tale about Man Sized Poo and a cute almost two and a half year old runaway.

I send wishes for you to have the most productive releases of your life today and every day.

Much Love!

E~

Read. Like. Follow. Share.

Have a Perfect Day!