Hi folks,
I have had some most interesting and adorable girlfriends. I'm not really close with any of them any longer and I believe finally, that that is how it should be for me.
Unknowingly, I played many different roles in my relationships.
I cast myself in the role of cheerleader, healer, and motivational speaker for my first "girlfriend". It took her over twenty years and her falling in love with her one and only, to appreciate my selflessness.
With my second girlfriend, I was less of a cheerleader and more a socialization specialist. Another unsolicited casting but, hey, I was looking for...something.
Girlfriend number three brought out the fixer cheerleader in me. Of course, I thought I needed to fix her before I could fully cheer for my investment. What took place during that relationship was not too pleasant for either of us.
By girlfriend number four I had given up fixing and settled comfortably back into cheerleading. I believed greatly in this woman's talent and abilities and I worked like hell to make her believe in herself as much as I believed in her. It worked too. I cheerleaded my ass off!(I know it's probably not a real word - Gosh editor!) I cheered so well that she realized she could do far better than the likes of me and she left me. She started cheering for herself. I felt great pride and deep abandonment.
Woman-friend number next, was of a short but potent duration. I tried to cheerlead for her but somehow she knew that no external cheer could ever do enough. So she pushed me to the side and began the road to her own self-restoration and healing.
That was fine, because by then I had met a grown-woman woman. She didn't seem to "need" the cheerleading, at first, but I found a way. I cheered and promoted and puffed up and sacrificed my soul to cheer, fix, heal, and push her to make her dreams come true. Funny thing, she never asked me to cheer, fix, heal, and/or push. She more than likely never wanted that from me. But that was all that I thought I had to give. I didn't know how else to get what I thought I needed and what I had been searching for for so long.
I championed her so much that it became clear that it was not really about her at all, it was about the idea of getting what I wanted that prompted my championing.
I worked so hard cheering on these girls/women and whether they agreed or not, or saw it or not was not my concern. I knew I was working hard and I was hoping that all my work would be returned the exact same way it was delivered: Passionately, Vehemently, Dramatically! I was cheering these humans on in expectation of what they would do for me. I wanted them to see and figure out for themselves how desperately I needed a pep squad and cheering team as well.
Here's where it gets tricky. All of the women I have been with loved me dearly, they cheered and supported as best they could, yet it was never enough because I was empty and asking them to fill me up. I was only able to receive in one way, my way, but here's the kicker...I wasn't giving my self jack shit! The loves of my life gave in their own unique and special ways and I, unable to accept, deemed it never good enough.
No love was ever good enough until I started my own drill team, pep squad, and tour de force cheerleading ensemble. My team is quite fabulous, it is the home team and it is rockin' it out of the park! No visiting team could have ever come close, nor should they have.
It was my job to champion myself, authentically, lovingly, completely. Along with and led by Spirit, I worked it out.
I do have a girlfriend now. She's swell. She supports and loves me. She cheerleads and peps me in her own way. I love, appreciate, and accept it exactly as it is delivered. At the end of the day, I am sated, and her nourishment is a beautiful compliment and not the main dish. All is as it should be.
Go Team Bradshaw!!! (High kick in the air!)
Make Today Great!
Much Love,
E~
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