Pop & Switch

I'm practicing non-violent parenting. So when my boy mis-behaves or does something in a way I don't want to encourage, I resist the urge to 'pop'.

I was raised with the 'pop' and 'the switch'. Most of my community was raised that way and encouraged such practice. Many in my community state that 'children must learn to fear you or they will not obey.' As one of those grown up children who was raised with fear, the 'pop', and 'the switch' didn't work for me. I won't pop and/or switch my kid.

I remember as child getting spanked or physically intimidated and knowing that one day I was gonna be big too and then I would be able to hit and bully too.

I never want my son to feel cold and callus fear of whoopings.

Besides, my sons doctor recently told me that my little one was going to grow up and be at least 6'2". He's a tall boy and strong now. I don't want to raise a big ass man that's waiting for the time when he's big enough to strike, because he was raised on fear and intimidation.

Sidebar, I did try the pop once, after some serious peer pressure. I was so awkward and guilty about it that my little boy actually ended up comforting me. 'No pop mommy. I'mb-okay.' So, I don't pop.

However, I do use my big commanding voice.

I use my voice the way I was taught by the dog trainer. Wait, wait, wait, I'm not in anyway comparing my child to a dog...but there are similarities in training. Dogs have to know when you mean business and its all related in your tone. It's not a scream or a yell, but it's bass and authoritative. When that voice comes out, which I must admit takes energy, it gets the desired result.

As I work on perfecting the tone with my son, my goal is to find a balance that doesn't scare the shit out of him or allow him to ignore me. I'm also open to other tactics. Allowing him time to experience his upset because there's no more Umizumi, just has to happen. He's allowed to tantrum, to attempt to fold his arms and run out of the room drama style (he got that one from me honestly) and yet he still does what he's told. No, I don't make him do it with a smile on his face. I can't be forced to smile, why should I attempt to force him?

This leads me back to the point of this post, force doesn't work for us. Intimidation, bullying, 'pops' and 'the switch' have proven to be devices that don't serve.

I acknowledge that this divergence from the familial pathology will at time seem the road much harder, but me and the boy are worth it.

Thanks for reading.

Read. Like. Follow. Have a Great Day! E~

Breath of Love

When my son hurts himself and runs to me whining, "mommy, mommy, look, HURT!", depending on the degree of the whine and fake cry, I react in one of two ways. In either way I react, I do so most sincerely. "Oh no, are you okay?" I often inquire dramatically. He generally responds, "I'mb-okay!" Then he shoves the boo-boo in my face and I do my job which is to provide love and kisses to the area, whether I see and believe in the boo-boo or not. My job is to swoop him up into my arms, and make sure he's okay. To connect. The other response comes when there's actually a real cry and/or real boo-boo to attend. In that case, I simply reverse the preceding order. First, I swoop him up into my arms, rock him and make sure that he is okay. We connect. Within seconds he pops up, looks at the boo-boo and says again, "hurt." Again, I do my job, kisses and empathy, and before I'm personally ready, I'm forced to release my active two and a half year old because he's wiggling out of my arms to freedom, as if nothing ever happened. There are times when the healing and holding may take a minute or two longer based on the degree of the hurt, but generally after two minutes the boy is miraculously healed and on to the next amusement. As he gets older he runs to me bit less. There are times when I see him fall and before I can ask he's declaring, "I'mb-okay!"

MY BOY - MY JOY

I love that my son is able to move so quickly past his hurt because he's free to feel it, get the soothing and love he needs, release, and move on. I admire that ability.

I wish it were that way for adults. I guess we have the ability to do so. However, it's challenging, after "growing up" to find someone to run to and say, 'hurt', then to get coddled, until you feel strong enough to be released.

I've done a lot of work to avoid feeling hurt and I must confess that none of that has worked to avoid the feeling of hurt. Spiritual work has done much to hold me up and keep me focused on God and Love. Physical work has led me to know that I am determined and a triathlete. Mental work has helped me begin to be more thoughtful and disciplined with my thoughts. All this work was initiated to avoid the hurt, to avoid the heartbreak, to avoid the pain. Even after all that self-help, self-awareness, self-discovery, I still want to run whining and crying saying, "mommy, mommy, look, HURT!", knowing that I will be swooped up into the arms of love.

I bet I'm not the only one who doesn't want or need a lecture during the hurt.

I'm sure that I'm not the only one who HATES TOUGH LOVE.

I'm sure that I'm not the only one who wants to feel safe when saying, 'I'm hurt.'

From all I've read and learned this year, I do know that I need to be the love I want.

So, I go forward, with arms wide open, judgement aside and just love, declaring;

'I will care for your hurt, I will hug you with no 

agendas, I will be a sincere and gentle safe space 

for you.'

The breath of Life and of God that lives in my sweet lil' boy lives in me and lives in you. I love him like that, I can love myself like that, I love you...yes you, like that.

You are safe here.

Much Much Love,

E~

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Just because...I AM.

"There is no prerequisite for worthiness." Brene Brown

When I read that passage from Brene Brown I felt a piece of my brain explode and flower into a huge chunk of hope and forgiveness. Instantly.

I was so shocked, horrified...and then relieved to be reminded that I was taking part in the downgrading of my precious self by buying into the idea that some thing had to happen before I deserved a good - no great life of prosperity and joy.

For so long I believe that if I achieved a certain goal, lived a certain way, decreased to a certain size, laughed at a certain pitch, spoke with a certain timber to my voice I would be worthy of the greatness that seemed to be happening to so many all around me but not to me.

I was shocked and horrified to recognize that I had forgotten the greatness within that I knew so well as a youngster. The greatness I stomped around feigning as an adult as an adult has been obnoxious and full of fear and sadness.

That overconfidence was a fraud and a front. I had little trust for the truth of me and in my fear, I puffed up, literally and figure-ly. To convince myself and others that I was somebody special.

It was an exhausting routine, trying to force others to know what I didn't believe or accept about myself. It was an act that created heartache and pain more often than not for myself and others.

The external search for the thing that would make me know I was worthy
Left me wanting and empty.

I used sex, alcohol, drugs, money, human dependency, inanimate object dependency, emotional drama and turmoil, fake enlightenment and manipulation to get something that would make me feel worthy of being... Well, loved, liked and accepted by the most important people. I am in the process of re-knowing that I am always at the top of the most important people list. I'm also starting, just re-starting to know that 'what I seeks, I is.'

Just because I AM worthiness is upon me.

Just because I AM Love is upon me.

Just because I Am greatness is upon me.

Just because I AM.
Just because I AM.
Just because I AM.

Have a perfect day basking in your own I AM.

Much Love,

E~

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Re-start!

I've missed ya'll!

For real!

I know ya'll don't be leavin' me a whole buncha comments or nothin' but dang - it's been so long since I posted. I've longed to have the time to devote to writing something deep and meaningful to share with the world.

See, what's been keeping me away from the Blog is that I have been busy - And Loving It!

I'm currently enrolled in Seminary while I simultaneously work my way thru completing the credits for my Bachelor's.

Failing French in my senior year at Conservatory haunted me for over 20 years! I was able to graduate, however, I received a much lesser degree. So now, I'm taking courses like Public Speaking and Ethics in Business in order to make up and catch up. Catch up to what, right? I guess I would have to say catching up to that version of myself that I know I AM. I've felt so much shame about my degree situation for so long and I am done with that now. I have taught in the University system, received grants, created programs and performed all over the country. French didn't have shit to do with that!

I'd been in online class before but fell off the wagon and had to re-start.

I'm also In-Service at my Spiritual Center and attending class there as well as having two Spiritual Life Coaches and a Minister mentoring me.

I have the joy of being a mom with the most amazing little two and a half year old ever! And last but not by any means least I have the blessing of sharing this wonderful and wild journey with my beloved girlfriend.

Daily I'm re-starting an exercise plan and a healthful eating plan.

I'm even re-starting about my mode of transportation.

I am re-starting my way into the perfect and right automobile.

Toward that end I started a GoFundMe campaign to raise money to get a car in order to make all the hustle possible. I'm faithful that it will all work out by winter.

If you're interested in donating, here's the link, but you may have to cut and paste:

http://www.gofundme.com/4q8dpw

If not, that's okay too.

I thought my first words back with you folks would be deeper. But nope. Perhaps one day, or not, who knows. I take comfort in that answer now. Either way I re-start. That's my new motto nowadays. Just re-start. When life sucks...re-start. When disappointment and heartache pull you down, just re-start. There's great peace and beauty in knowing about the re-start. It is possible anytime, in any situation, I think. It's an internal process that reminds me of my creativity and who I really AM. I get to choose to re-start. That's hott!

Re-start triumphs defeat all the time.

Those of us willing to re-start have success at our fingertips.

So enjoy!

I'll chat more soon. I promise.

Much Love,

E~

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