In the Beginning

This is an attempt to engage in a conversation that includes voices other than just my immediate community, because I am on a journey to live my life as a minister. I am on a journey to be a better person. I am on a journey to live fully in truth.

At the same time, I have said and done some fucked up shit and I am attempting to discover if that can coexist with my goal of ministry and being of purpose and service. I have my doubts. I mean, as you will learn if you desire to follow this blog with me I curse. Also, I have lied and I may do it again, I have cheated, ignored, raged, hurt, hit and at times had appalling behaviors that I am not in anyway proud of. At the same time, I know that I have loved, cared, nurtured, friended and touched lives in a positive way when I have allowed my natural light, the light of God within to shine.

I have big questions and even bigger designs of this human experience. Do I have tocompletely stop cursing to be a purveyor of universal truths and God? Do I have to give up my sexuality (I won't by the way – I'm lesbian in this incarnation, that much I'm cool with hanging on to with all my might)? But being a minister lesbian or otherwise am I expected I have to have vanilla/boring sex? Am I to act like sex and sexuality doesn't matter? Do I have to give up my spirit of competition? Will my soon to be ex-wife always hate me? She been and remains to be one my best teachers. If she weren't the person she has been, with the faults and flaws she has had, I wouldn't have been able to leave and learn how to take the first baby step toward self love. Of course I wonder if I will always be angry at her?

Then there is the issue of my mother. Literally and figuratively a very big issue. Is it possible to release anger and resentment toward my mother and still not want to be in her presence, yet send her love and peace? How do I make consistent and positive change? What needs to stay and what needs to go? Through this writing and hopefully connecting with others I will attempt to know or at least become okay with not knowing.