Is Television Tracking me?

I watch Nurse Jackie. I love this show. STBEW and I started watching this as one of our regular programs, and I swear to goodness, as Jackie and Kevin's marriage got worse so went our marriage. Now Jackie and Kevin are in the midst of a horrible divorce and custody battle. Of course Jackie was not only having an affair, she was addicted to prescription drugs and lied to Kevin for years about a trillion different things to hide her drug abuse and affair.

Neither of us are or were prescription drug addicts or street drug addicts for that matter. We did at some point indulge in cigarette smoking and great amounts of alcohol. When she became pregnant we basically decided to kick the habit. Once we separated STBEW started smoking again and I was sad that she hasn't kept the pact we made to get healthy and stay that way for our son. I guess I'm not surprised. When you enter into Divorce-land keeping promises is the first thing to fly out the fucking window. It seems all promise, oaths, and vows fly out of the fucking window. Especially the secret behind the scenes promises of your private heart. The confessions that were shared as you lay in once beloved arms. The promises in pre-matrimony.

Vow breakage happened during the bad marriage, repeatedly. I guess promises and vows go hand-in-hand. It makes me wonder, are promises and vows rational? Are promises and vows just relationship control devices used to predict and/or instill a false sense of external safety? At best are they just feeble attempts to know and secure a future with another?

Nurse Jackie broke many promises. So did Kevin.

I broke promises, STBEW broke promises. The biggest promise I broke was not being true to myself and trusting my instincts from the door. I deferred my primary concerns to a marriage relationship and instead of myself and my God.

Nurse Jackie and Kevin did too.

Jackie couldn't stay clean for her family, but she's clean now without them.

I am too.

Guess it proves that you have to do it for yourself. Children and spouses can be motivators but ultimately it's a very personal choice.

Even in the midst of a wretched divorce there is choice and many many choices. Everything we do, on some level, literal or metaphysical is a choice. All behavior is a choice. All words are choice. Action and or nonaction is a choice. I hope I choose better than Nurse Jackie and Kevin during my wretched divorce.

 

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