Every time that I have to pick up or drop off my son off to my soon to be ex-wife I get a great deal of anxiety. I feel a gut wrenching tension and heat rises throughout my body. It is almost paralyzing. I often burst into deep sobbing when I don't have my son with me.
So I have had to begin a pre-pick up/drop off maintenance plan. I listen to a calming spiritual recording. Maybe Michael Beckwith, maybe Deepak, anyone who is soothing and calming and guiding me towards responsible behavior. I breathe deeply and work on disciplining my mind towards how I want the encounter to be. Sometimes I talk to a friend, who stays on the phone with me as I do the pick up from the marital home. The pick up is challenging because my mother and sister keep my son during the week since my STBEW (soon to be ex-wife) has refused to pay for daycare any longer in order to pay credit card debt. There has been a great deal of negative stress and volatility dealing with my mother and sister who keep my son against my desire. Finally, and most importantly, I keep my focus on my son. His well being is the goal. Remembering that helps a lot.
So you may wonder why I don't want my family to watch my son. Well, there's several reasons. One of the main reasons is that my mother is basically a morbidly obese shut-in who is becoming increasingly physically unable to care for my son. My sister is, well, unstable. They have decided to join forces with my STBEW. Of course this is a major source of hurt and despair, however, I am working on acceptance, forgiveness and understanding. I have always been very audacious and it is a quality that serves me greatly and my family has reaped the rewards of my audacity yet judges me harshly when my audacity seems to threaten their way of life. I can't blame them, blame has no place. I am merely stating my opinion of the facts. I put them in a tough position when I chose to leave my STBEW. Either loyalty to their blood, who colluded with STBEW to include them, or protect their home because they have no where else to go. I understand their choices but I do not agree with them, nor do I have to.
I want to stay open, loving, and gain integrity in the face of this, for lack of better word, mess. My question to you, God, Universe, and self is, how? How do you grow and become your best self in the face of such adversity?
I know that I can't change the STBEW's (soon to be ex-wife) reactions and or actions. All I can do is be in integrity with my own. Change will happen, it is what us humans do. Right?
Then there are the logistics. Building a life with another person is a brick by brick process and should be disassembled the same way for safety sake. To do that you must communicate, whether you like it or not. Marriage is also a business and if you ignore the business the long term consequences are detrimental. I believe that the state of the business of marriage reflects the health and wholeness of the marriage. Show me a marriage that is in financial or business ruin, and I will show you a divorce waiting to happen.
The financial health of our marriage was in cardiac arrest for years. And we were only married for three. We overspent, overindulged and ignored the compounding debt. We chose to spend and buy our way to happiness and closeness. I believe this was done in order to fill the gaping hole that was growing between us. It is quite sad. Our last big attempt at happiness was a full kitchen renovation. Shame, I had suggested therapy but was told it was too expensive. Looking back, the cost of the new kitchen made therapy look cheap as hell. Well you live and learn. Hopefully. Right?
Finally, am I out of integrity when I talk about what I'm going thru? How do I discuss it and stick to the first agreement of the Four Agreements - Be Impeccable with your word? Or do I just need to shut the fuck up and get over it? Hmmm. If only...
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