Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Leaving

It was February 24th, 1984 when Grandma passed away, it was my baby sister’s first birthday. I was 10 years old.

I was told Grandma passed on, was told she had transitioned. Many of my Grandma’s sisters and other relatives were around. 

My mother told me Grandma didn't want me to see her in the hospital sick like she was. I was told by so many that she loved me more than I could ever know. I was told that I was very special to Grandma. I already knew how special she was to me. Grandma took me to the World’s Fair in Tennessee. Grandma nursed me when I was sick with food poisoning from overindulgence at the Fair. Grandma talked to me with so much love. She would hold me and hum gospel songs to me whenever I climbed into her bed at night. She would make me my favorite breakfasts, lunches, or dinners. Grandma was a stellar cook. She would even whip up a peach cobbler, my favorite dessert, whenever I desired. Grandma told me that I was brighter than most of the students she taught at Malcolm X Shabazz high school even though they were twice my age. I was an early reader and Grandma was an English teacher. Proper speech was very important. Grandma showed me off and bragged on me. I loved it. Grandma took me to church and told me of God’s love. She watched as I got baptized. Mother was not there. Grandma cried when I sang my first church solo, ‘Jesus loves me.’ Grandma reprimanded my mother for being hard on me. 

When I was 8 years old Grandma was the first call I made when I burned my stomach while ironing my clothes for school. Mother had moved us from Jersey to Wisconsin, far away from Grandma. Mother was at work and I was a latch-key kid. I called Grandma scared and crying and Grandma with calmness and kindness told me, “It’ll be alright baby, where’s your mother?” When I told her she was at work Grandma said, “Lord have mercy! Baby, go unplug the iron.” I obeyed. “Now go get a wash cloth.” I dropped the phone and ran to get the wash cloth. When I returned Grandma said, “Now precious, go to the freezer and get some ice.” Again I dropped the phone and dutifully complied. Grandma stayed on the phone with me for hours while the ice melted and pain subsided. Finally she had me apply butter to the burn and take a nap. I awoke to my mother rushing home and panicked. She had come home early from work because Grandma had called her worried, berating her for leaving me home alone, rebuking her with what had happened. Mother was concerned and pissed. All I knew was that Grandma was magic and could care for me better than Mother ever could even from hundreds of miles away.

It has been 29 years since Grandma left. I still miss her so much. I looked at her picture and cried so hard today. I cried because for the first time, 29 years later I realized that Grandma didn't leave me. Grandma died. At 10 years old I didn't understand why she would leave me. How could Grandma leave me if she loved me so much? If I was truly so special how could she abandon me? My mother’s and everyone else’s explanations of death never dealt with the feeling that I had. I felt left. My 10 year old self, told my 15 year old self that I was left, that the person who loved me the most left me. My pubescent 15 year old self bought into the misunderstandings of the 10 year old and began to face the world on terms that then seemed to make sense. 15 year old Erica reasoned that even people who say they love you and you love will leave, you so either don’t love or leave first. Erica at 21 years old bought into the idea and decided that a life without love sucked and was impossible. So she decided to love hard, fully, and completely so that she would have at least that when the object of that love left. Deeply and passionately Erica would fall in love and when something occurred unfamiliar or unsettling, Erica would decide that the person was going to leave her. Sensing the leave, whether it was truly a leave or not, she would leave…first. Of course sooner than later everything began to look like a leave. When someone was disappointed or angry, sad, needing space, or even disgruntled with something that had nothing to do with Erica, she would begin to sabotage the relationship, while accusing the person of leaving, abandoning and deserting her. Erica would flee. From 21 years old to 39 years old Erica ran. She ran from friends, family, and lovers whenever she was scared that they may leave. Ultimately Erica didn’t believe she was special and worthy of having someone truly stay.

The comedy of this tragedy is that while running away from the love she so desired Erica would cry, yell, and scream that it was really everyone else leaving, not realizing it was her leaving all along.
It was August 25, 2013 when Erica understood that her beloved Grandma didn’t leave or abandon her, just a few months shy of thirty years since Doris Amaza Bradshaw’s actual date of death. It was a sunny Sunday, around noon when Erica accepted that her Grandma died. She didn’t leave. She just died.
Upon fully comprehending that Grandma just died and that I had been living my life based on the misunderstandings of my 10 year old self, I simply sat and cried and cried and cried.

This journey to becoming is difficult in ways I could have never imagined.

That is all for today.

Now, I gotta go make some good-n-happy now!

Much Love,


Read, Like, Follow. Have a Great Day! E~

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Am I crazy?

Good Day Folks!

I know it's been a while and I regret that I have taken so much time between posts.

Life happens. I can honestly just state that as the facts.

I know I don't need an excuse or to tell you what happens/happened. Though obviously I am blogging to figure some crap out and be accountable so, here are the facts and the things I allow to get in the way:

  • Sometimes I start the day making the bed, then I begin mopping the floor and the next thing you know I'm cleaning the whole house!
  • I can't write when I have my son, right?
  • Sometimes the day gets away from me.
  • Sometimes I sit and stare off into space.
  • Sometimes I decide to be vegan and make elaborate and healthful meals and smoothies.
  • Sometimes, while at a summer BBQ, I forget that I have gone vegan and eat the delicious ribs, hamburgers, and hot dogs, potato salad, macaroni & cheese, collards, and sweet tea!
  • Sometimes I spend way too much time chit-chatting on the phone.
  • Sometimes I ignore callers when I'm really not busy.
  • Sometimes I spend too much time looking for free shit on Craigslist or Free-cycle.
  • Sometimes I go to too many stores attempting to eek out the best deal.
  • Sometimes I spend too much time doing everything except writing which is the thing that I love to do.
  • Sometimes I am just in shock at all the life changes I have chosen to embark upon and am rendered still and silent.

Do you have days, weeks, maybe even months when you feel like you just can't or don't or won't get shit done?

Ah, a moment of clarity, I'm in major life transition. I am changing everything. I am changing my focus. I have at least four professions that I have been actively engaged. I have decided to let go of the two that I am least passionate about and am redoubling my efforts on those that I am most committed.

I have been agonizing over this decision in little ways for years. However, the time has come to hone my focus. To become the greatest vision of myself possible and in order to allow that to happen, I must, with love and honor, release careers, jobs, relationships, situations, and behaviors that don't fit.

Can I be honest?

I'm scared. I know that fear isn't real, it's just an illusion and a space I consciously and subconsciously create to conquer and grow. Yet, I have created fearfulness around letting go to grow up bigger.

I'm scared of what life looks like if I keep running. I'm logging almost 15 miles a week running and walking. I'm scared that I won't be able to keep it up and will come crashing down.

I'm scared that as I quest towards enlightenment I will stumble and make another mess of things.

I'm scared I will fail.

I'm scared that I won't achieve what I know I am here to achieve.

Yes I'm scared, but I'm doing it anyway, and some days it's a lot more challenging than others.

I experience fear but I fight like the Dickens (don't know who the Dickens'es are exactly but I hear they are pretty tough) to move forward and experience the fear and not let the fear be my entire experience.

Yesterday in class, I spoke the 'why?', and the 'what?' of my dream. I would like to share that with you.

I am here to Inspire love, Ignite creativity, & Empower humanity with the knowing of God/Divine Spirit within and all around us.

Read. Like. Follow.

Have a Great Day!

Much Love,

E~

 

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Is it all a spiritual journey?

Good Day Folks.

Today is a good day.

I've been thinking a lot about this blog, and fixing some techno tweaks (now you can leave comments on the blog - Whoopie!).

I didn't know I had disabled that feature, oops! I still moderate the comments but as long as you don't have gross stuff to post, I will be of integrity and post every comment, even the ones I don't agree with or like.

I just think its so much better to stay in conversation than not. I learn from critique and therefore welcome it. If possible though - know this - 'I'm sensitive.'

Enough sidebar...my editor isn't going to like that I started out with an aside. Ah well, what can I say. (She doesn't care much for the 'well's' either)

Anyway, guess what?

I'm training for a Triathlon - The Iron Girl. A mini. 1/2 mile swim, 10 mile bike ride, 3 mile run.

OH MY GOD!

Why the hell did I sign up for this?

That's where I'm at. I signed up three months ago because a dear friend, whose journey to fitness I really admire did complete a "Tri" and is still alive. I'm so proud and inspired by her. Go MK Go! She made it sound not so bad and since completing a Triathlon was on my list of things to do, I figured, 'why not?'

That's exactly what my impulsive ass gets. Now, I'm signed up for this thing and I'm wondering if I can, indeed, do it.

See, I thought I was on a spiritual journey, what the hell is my body doing getting involved?!?!??

I know, I know, I know!

(Eyes closed, index finger to thumb, legs cross, with Nag-champa - chanting Ohm) Mind-Body-Spirit connection. Take a deep breathe. Whoosah, whoosah!

Fine.

I still don't know what a fresh water swim feels like. Do I open my eyes in Jersey Shore water, without chlorine to save me? Do I have to change in front of people or do I stay in my soaking wet bathing suit and ride the 10 miles? Are there any hills? Will people push me? Should I eat? What should I eat? What happens if I don't show? And the big question, I have natural hair, what shall I do with all that?

I may sound a bit panicked. I may be a bit panicked right now. You may be saying, as I am, that its not spiritual.

Well I told you it's a process, not a destination and today's journey has me concerned about a big huge goal even though I know my success is imminent...I think.

Also, I'm training solo and therefore I'm starting to believe that I am not training "correctly". I just want to be able to finish the damn thing and not be dead.

How does one complete a mini-Triathlon weighing over 250lbs and not be dead?

I guess I will have to do it and let yall know.

Do me a favor?

See visions of me throwing up my hands in eternal ecstasy as I cross the finish line, and not dead-last either - that's important!

See visions of me with the most right natural hair style that stays cute during it all!

See me reflecting love back to you!

Now see the end of this post!

HA!

Have an Awesome Day!

Much Love,

E~

 

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Sometimes I just have to dance!

 

Today was one of those days. I shook it till it almost broke to some Ray Charles, Beyonce, Sinatra, Streisand and ended with Mackelmore.

Sometimes it's necessary to crank up the sound system and just let the beat, the lyrics, the music take your body on a boogy vacation.

I dance my happy ass all around the house and Golly did it feel great.

I want to increase my boogey woogey dance party playlist.

What is the song, or music that gets you pumped, hype, psyched and grateful to be alive?

Thanks for your vibe.

Have a Splendid Day!

E~

 

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

The Good News is...

Some readers have let me know that yesterdays post, Emotional Cancer, was rather depressing and somewhat morbid.

Good Day Folks!

One person shared, 'Erica, I know that you went thru some shit but why you gotta put it all out there? It's just too raw.'

My editor and I also thought is was rather raw and revealing. I posted nonetheless. Here's why:

When I was in the midst of the darker moments with emotional cancer eating away at my spirit and soul and in severe crisis I felt incredibly alone. At that time I was wallowing in my own pig and sure that the shitty shit happening to me had never happened before and was only happening to my poor black lesbian unfortunate soul.

When I sought help, outside of my therapist, I didn't get a sense of belonging to the world. It was cold, dark, and I was scared.

Had I found a book, a blog, or anything by a Black 30 something lesbian that shared about her depression, suicidal thoughts, cutting, etc... I believe it would have been profoundly helpful.

Mind you I am clear that there were resources out there such as blogs, videos, books, and more from people not necessary, female, black, or lesbian. But I wanted what I thought I needed and couldn't get past the differences that seemed the basis of my problems to see the possibilities.

Now that I am on the other side I am sharing my experience to hopefully let others in similar situations know that not only are they not alone, but the moments of despair pass and life truly does improve. I want to share some tools that helped me and just be a resource as best I can.

My purpose is of service and growth. This is how I'm choosing to start my ministry. Full disclosure and truth. I don't want to hid my process. I am not ashamed of where I have been, what I have done or who I have been. All of the past led me to this present moment and this present moment is a blessing. This moment is so much of a blessing that I am grateful for the darkness, or the hurt I went thru because it makes here so much more vibrant.

I know that I have so much more learning and growing up to do. I am quite proud and happy about that.

 

 

Monday, August 5, 2013

Emotional Cancer

Good Day Folks.

I deem that today will be a good day, no matter what comes my way. I am the constant. I am, indeed, the decider in my-story. This I choose as my truth today.

I had a completely pleasurable morning, waking to the sound of loud nature and quiet conversation is completely blissful.

As you know I am often reflecting on life and looking back at where I was, how I felt, what I was doing, and what I was unable to do. Then reflecting on now and finally spending time visioning where I would like to be.

The now is getting much clearer. I have many illusions dropping away. As I release anger, resentment, fear, and blame I am much more able to see reality, and not just the reality that I decide to see. The future gets brighter and brighter as I clear out the cloudiness of yesterday.

I couldn’t say that a year ago.

Last year this time I was very sick. I call the sickness emotional cancer. (I do not mean to offend or in any way take lightly physical cellular cancer)

I’d like to make it clear that one of the definitions of cancer is a malignant growth or tumor resulting from such a division of cells.

I had a malignant growth in my spirit and mind. I was steeped in self-loathing, negative thoughts and disastrous actions.

The tumors of anger, rage, resentment, and emotional turmoil had been growing deep within the nucleus of my cells for decades and seemed to peak at a time in my life when I assumed I should have been most happy.

However, I was not happy. I think many people had a hard time believing that I was as unhappy as I was because I am a good actor. I could act like everything was alright. I had acted like what I thought others wanted from me. I could and would act like I thought others needed me to be.

See, I had been acting since before I could remember.  When I was five years old my Uncle filmed me saying ‘when I grow up I want to be an actress...’ I held on to that goal and that is exactly what I became. I am a classically trained professional actor. I attended one of the best training schools in the country to perfect the craft of acting. I thought I was training to do theater, movies, and television, and maybe one day to teach. However, I realize now that the training I received in the craft of acting was a powerful tool that I used to hide my fear, shame, and the belief that I wasn’t good enough and didn’t love myself.   

Of course you don’t need to attend acting school to be a great actor in your life, but it certainly worked in my favor…

The crazy thing is that I didn’t know I was acting in my personal life. I would always declare (and rather loudly) just the opposite. I swore up and down that I would never act with my friends, family, or lovers! I didn’t know it then as I do now but that was exactly what I was doing acting for everyone.

I wanted to be accepted. I wanted to be liked. I just wanted to be loved the way I couldn’t seem to love myself and I did anything and everything to get that approval, love and support. Most of my attempts to get this love were in intimate relationships with women. I was looking for a love that I couldn’t provide for myself, a love I never felt from my parents.

Most of my relationships ended poorly and most ended rather dramatically. Emo cancer doesn’t really work well with other’s dis-eases.  

As a young child I had been molested by my stepfather, only clearly remembering it well into my 30’s. In Junior high I was fondled by a clothing store owner in my hometown. He would touch my body how, where, and when he wanted and in return I would get fly clothes that I otherwise couldn’t afford. Clothes that I thought would make me appear Fresh, and make the kids stop calling me Erica-Fat-America. The clothes never achieved the goal I had in mind for them.

At thirteen I was raped by a kid who was in high school, in my mother’s house. He wouldn’t take the final NO after the initial YES that came once I had seen his actual penis. For years I felt that I had to do sex with men when I had gotten them hard because, I had done that to them.

The emotional cancer was planted and spread into every aspect of my existence.

All I could do was feel, feel pain, feel disappointment, feel anger. Feel unworthy, feel useless and feel just plain ol’ bad – like something was deeply wrong with me.

The hurt was unbearable at times, most times.  

There were moments when I was suicidal. There was even a moment when I began cutting myself.

I was so ashamed. I believed that not only was I too old to be cutting(I was definitely way into adulthood by then), but I bought into the idea that I was supposed to be a “strong Black woman” and we just didn’t do shit like that! – Kinda joking but mostly serious.

I would sing my swan song to anyone who would listen. I sat with friends and cried and begged for help from everyone, my mother, my siblings, my spouse.  

Around last year this time the emotional cancer was eating me alive and no one had the cure, but  I was too wrapped up in the pain of it all to do anything but what I did.

Leaving the life I had set up was the chemo of choice. I believed at the time that I had no other choice. I had to save my life.

Chemotherapy is often life saving and a necessary step towards remission. However, the affects of chemo on the body can be incredibly harsh, going from nausea and hair loss to crippling pain. To my understanding, chemotherapy kills both healthy cells and sick cells in order to eradicate the cancer.

My chemo of choice destroyed many aspects of my life, aspects that I didn’t expect to be destroyed. Some of the losses have been quite major. However, ‘Just because I left…I’m alive!
Just because I left...I’m living and not acting my life. Just because I left…I’m beginning to experience my best life ever.

I am learning a new and healthier way of being. I am beginning to see that I am loveable because I am a child of God, no less and no more than anyone else. I am learning that my emotional cancer was self-inflicted and that I can be the decider and make sure it never returns again.

My emotional cancer is in remission.

I am full of Gratitude for every moment that has led to now.

Thank you for reading! It means so much!

Have A TERRIFIC Day! You can y’know… you’re the DECIDER in your own life!


E~

Friday, August 2, 2013

VaLiD

Hey Folks.

As you know, this blog started from the unhappy seed of a messy divorce as well as a desire to grow emotionally and spiritually with accountability, in whatever form that would take.

Today I have received a judgement in my favor from the judge, in the saga of our divorce. A motion went in my favor. Even though I wasn't granted all that I requested the motion leaned my way and in the favor of our precious son.

I don't know if I have adequate words to describe my relief.

Relief because as a non-biological mom I am often referred to and thought of as "less" than the bio mom. This is obviously not accurate. And while untrue, it is where the majority of our legal system is at this time.

My soon to be ex wife and I created our baby boy from scratch. Meaning we visioned about him, named him and called him into our lives. We believed ourselves ready in all ways to be his mommas..kinda, then we took the steps to have him grow in her body and our collective soul. While she carried him physically, I carried him and her emotionally and spiritually. We were building a family and we each had very important tasks and roles to play.

The decision of the court in my favor struck a chord in me that was completely surprising. I felt instantly like, 'Hey, I do exist, I was an integral part of our life together. I am not worthless, nor should I be ignored.' Basically, I feel 'valid' from the court's decision.

Then all the spiritual work kicks in and I have to ask myself the following questions.

Did I need a judge's ruling on my motion to make my role in my marriage and as a parent valid?

Is this the affirmation I had been looking for during the marriage?

Can I validate myself?

Finally, does this validate me as a good person now and I can stop thinking that I'm bad, wrong, evil, or just plain no good?

Aha! That last one takes the cake.

I throw out the cake! It tastes good but I don't need no friggin' cake to feel good!

Got God!

Got sidetracked, I'm back (non-important sidebar but sidebar nontheless - my editor hates it when I tangent, but I do it in person and I do it in print too. 'Least I'm authentic - Son!) - End imitation cool hood voice and gestures.

 

Seriously though, for the first time ever I am really seeing how negative self-talk, and negative beliefs about myself have been running and ruining aspects of my life.

I am of God. If that is truly the case then I am made of God stuff and that stuff is the inclusion of everything and thus I am the inclusion of everything. I guess I have always known that no one is all good or all bad, now I am waking up to the fact that I can choose what and who I want to Be in this life because I am co-creating this stuff with the Almighty.

So...

I am NOT bad

I am NOT evil

I am NOT no damn good

I AM:

the microcosm of the macrocosm of God

made of God stuff and therefore I am Source

Erica. And that's that.

 

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Horoscope

As elemental opposites, water and fire may seem like they don't have a lot in common. But what about the flowing energies of our emotions: the passion of fire signs and the empathy of water signs? During the month of August, astrologer Eric Francis tells us that everything is going to have an underlying emotional aspect, one that will dominate our experience of being alive. For a more thorough explanation of this month's astrology, see August 2013: Fire and Water.

MONTHLY HOROSCOPE FOR AUGUST 2013

Aries (March 20-April 19)

If you understood how much of your insecurity was about trying to please others, you might find yourself getting angry. And if you do find yourself getting angry, consider that it's about trying to make sure that everyone approves of everything from your plans to your state of mind before you allow yourself to make a move. I suggest you try this month to seek nobody's approval for anything. Make up your own mind about everything. Even in matters involving family or household, you're entitled to your own opinion, which means an opinion that others might not agree with. As you start to do this, you might notice that you're sloughing off layer after layer of submission, conciliation, people-pleasing, and what you believed was give-and-take. All of that is the opposite of taking authority. And taking authority is what you're about to do. This will require some actual courage, and I believe you've got that available. You will need to follow what both your instincts and intuition tell you. The information is coming into your awareness from a deep place. You know what is true for you. Now what you must do is count that as relevant—and make a decision that the emotional dramas of others are irrelevant to you living your life in the way that is right for you.

Taurus (April 19-May 20)

You'll have more fun when you can take a risk without obsessing over everything from trivial concerns to your worst fears. This may come in the form of thinking through every single possible contingency, which is good for some things in life and not so helpful for others. It's good for things like marketing campaigns and investigative reporting. Love, friendship, art, and music require far less cerebral strategizing. The problem is that once your particular mind gets hold of something, it doesn't like to let go—and this is especially true when there is some chance to be taken, or even some relatively minor unpredictable factor. You could tidy up this situation by considering the theme of emotional boundaries. Whatever the source of your anxiety or concern, you'll feel better and be stronger if you define some space and time wherein you're free to be yourself. That's the space where anything can happen, and it's okay—you can go with the flow of your creativity. Then I suggest you do the same thing with selected friends. Choose the people around whom you can "risk" being yourself, which means fully present with your ideas, your passion, your creativity, and your sexuality. You may not find many people you can experiment with, though you'll find a few, the most significant one being yourself. With dropping inhibitions, practice goes a long way.

Gemini (May 20-June 21)

You're about to begin a new chapter of the season, based on a recent discovery that has helped you get your priorities in order. Said another way, you seem to have figured out what you want and don't want. This has come at a cost, such as being dragged through a bath of uncertainty and self-doubt, though at least it has served a purpose—mainly to teach you what is not true. Now all you need to do is shift your emphasis to what is true. This can be a little tricky; there are negativity traps everywhere, and it takes some discipline to emphasize the positive. It's clear from your chart that if you do, you will get a lot more of it. Any way you look at your life, this is an abundant moment; the variable is what abundance you get. It takes us humans a while to figure out that we focus on multiplies. Therefore, focus on what you know is true; on what is important to you. Pay attention to the people you want to go deeper with, and focus on what you want to create for them. Regarding money, I would translate "make money doing what you love" to "seek your fortunes doing what's actually meaningful to you and you will be successful." Meaning is a form of love, and if you remember that, you'll have a lot of room to maneuver.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

If you're finally tired of not really living the life you want, now is your chance to step out. To some degree we are all pushed into a state of compromise between our potential and actually expressing it. Some of that is about circumstances. Some is about how difficult it is to connect with the wild creative core that you contain, and so many pressures that exist against doing so. It's challenging on Earth with all its complications and obstacles to hold the frequency of one's original intentions for coming here. Now all of these factors are changing simultaneously. You're in a position to take advantage of favorable environmental factors and stretch what seemed like your physical and emotional limits. At the same time, you're coming into contact with your deeper confidence, perhaps for the first time. Though this may seem like emotional movement, it's more like certain challenges you've confronted are putting you into contact with your spiritual strength. It would be helpful to recognize the difference, so that you can work on the much larger scale that you're being called to. That seems to be the central message of the astrology: moving to an entirely new level. It may look to others like your ship coming in. In reality, what's happening is an internal phenomenon based on your devoted contact with the truth of who you are.

Leo (July 22-August 23)

There is astonishing strength that comes from devoting your life to service. I don't mean servitude, codependency, or subjugation. I mean devotion to something in yourself that connects to the world around you in a profound way. It's helpful to get the order of things correct: devotion is an inner phenomenon, not a commitment to something outside you. But the inner aspect is not a "this is for me" thing; it's not really about you, it's about something you contain for the purpose of expressing. There's a useful image from across the wheel in Aquarius, where your counterpart there has an urn of water that she fills up for the purpose of giving away. You can think of yourself as being the guardian of the sacred hearth. You tend this hearth because it's the thing to do, then it provides heat, light, and energy for everyone around you. I suggest you get used to the idea that this is a 24-7/365 kind of commitment, though that mostly pertains to the inner relationship involved. Then, you offer your time and energy when called upon and when appropriate. The planet involved is Vesta, and there's always some element of "doing without" where this goddess is concerned. I would look at that as an exchange. If you get rid of everything that is trivial, gossipy, and designed for appearances only, you will have abundant time and energy.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

Note the presence of a different kind of intelligence—the kind that does not run in circles or work against itself. It's off the plane of mental cognition and accesses the level of direct knowledge. This kind of intelligence knows something is true, then figures out how it works in practical terms. As you get a feeling for this experience, you'll shift your relationship to yourself, and you could discover that you have access to something deeper, something that transcends the usual boundaries of what you think of as your mind. Your mind is indeed part of something larger. It's only the idea that "it's not" that prevents you from experiencing this directly. It's therefore essential that you do the one thing with your mind that is eminently possible for anyone who wants to do so: keep it open. Then I suggest you observe the ways in which information comes in from modalities other than what you might normally consider to be thought. Actual creative thought is not bound by anything physical; it needs no grounding in experience or learned knowledge. It's a truly generative experience. Yet to get there, you need to think of yourself differently, which first means noticing your prior limits and being willing to go beyond them. Limits serve the purpose of creating a comfort zone—one that you no longer need, and that I doubt you want.

Libra (September 22-October 23)

If you recognized that you don't have to go it alone, you would feel a lot better, and your life would be easier. This transformation would happen without much fuss, and the results would be easy to see. It's true that you are subject to forces outside your ability to control them, and lately you've really been feeling this. You may also be questioning whether there is any solid ground to stand on. Then the sensation that you have to do it all yourself, endure everything, and live in a world where people don't understand you, just feeds on itself. Shift the dynamic by taking the initiative and gathering people to whom you relate. Take that one risk. Reach out to others who you've noticed have some similar values or ideas, or who reach you with their positive ideas. As you do this, you'll begin to realize how influential you are. You don't want power; you want the ability to connect with others in ways that are meaningful, to share ideas and experience the pleasure of common ground. You may feel like you're miles away from such a space, when in truth you're much closer than you think. All you need to do is stop waiting for something positive to happen and recognize that you're the attracting force. You're the one who will set into motion the changes you want to see and experience.

Scorpio (October 23-November 22)

You are being handed an opportunity to think of your career a whole new way, to redefine your idea of achievement and to embrace a notion of success that has the power to change your life. There is something in the chart—something strong and beautiful—about doing what you do for its own sake, rather than for some other common motive (money, prestige, recognition, etc.). Yet it looks like you'll be doing whatever you're doing in an unusually visible way. It's up to you not to become distracted by this, and to keep your focus where it belongs. Your charts for August have a profound theme of service. This is a concept that gets a lot more talk than it needs and less action than it deserves. It would be helpful if you would deflect any and all recognition that you get back into the basic service that you are providing to the world. It would help even more if you take the time to refine your ideas about what that service is, and concentrate on how you can become the point of contact between what you do and who benefits from it. The more it seems that other people benefit, the better you're doing. What you get needs to be secondary, because it only distracts from what you're offering.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 22)

Speaking at the recent Queer Astrology Conference, I started my talk by reminding everyone that sex leads to existence, and that people who don't like or don't approve of sex are likely to have some deep misgivings about being on the planet. Your charts are reminding you of the connection. Because religion has gone so far out of its way to build its fortunes on shaming sex, we take for granted that it must be inherently unspiritual. This is straight out of the "Toxic Sludge Is Good For You" school of public relations: Tell a lie often enough and it seems to be true. Your chart is issuing a bold reminder that there is nothing more spiritual than sex. If you know this, then let it inform your whole life. If you're struggling with it, if you have some moral aspersions around the topic, and they are irritating you, I suggest you check out the whole "relationship to existence" angle. If you belong here, then how you got here is a good thing. If you don't belong here, then you might have an issue with the way you got here. Consider this long enough and it'll start to make more sense—to you. You might not be able to do much with or for others who are still waging war against themselves. Thankfully, they're not the only people on Earth.

Capricorn (December 22-January 20)

As you make your way through life, pay attention to who notices you, who makes eye contact, who returns your smile, who offers you emotional resonance. Notice who laughs at your jokes and who cares when you talk about a topic or issue that's important to you. You may have become so accustomed to the feeling of intimidating others that you expect people to respond to you that way. It would help if you could set aside that expectation, because it has a way of perpetuating itself. It's true that people are generally intimated, timid, and self-centered. You don't need to light up the whole room; you merely need to notice the one or two people nearby who have some light in their eyes. And they are likely to be the ones who notice you. One thing remains constant through the whole extended phase of Pluto in Capricorn: that is insisting that you maintain inner focus, which is to say, your inner awareness. You may notice that some people enhance that focus no matter what you're doing together (and some distract you from it). They're the ones to cultivate relationships with, because they support your relationship with yourself and vice versa. Codependency is a great reason to avoid certain kinds of relationships. Fortunately, there is an alternative.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)

Your charts suggest that this is an interesting, even cosmic, moment in your relationships. Yet the same astrology is also cautioning that you may feel like "everyone but you" is getting what they need. There's an illustration of you in the role of healer, or facilitator, or the one who holds space for others. You may feel like you're the last stop before people find the thing they're looking for; you may feel like you're the one safe place where others open up, but then somehow get overlooked as the one to make contact with. Usually when I see this kind of astrology, it's clear that someone is playing what you might call a karmic role, something they're accustomed to and are good at. But the planet involved, Vesta, often leaves people yearning for personal experience that they can imbibe for their own pleasure. I suggest you take the step and cross that threshold yourself. Make choices that bring you closer to getting what you want. When you find yourself with the option to offer yourself in service to someone, make the decision carefully whether you want to offer yourself. It's a different role than the person with the human need for play and creature comforts, and at this stage in your life, either option really is a matter of choice.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

Your charts say you have everything going for you, all at the same time. These are rare moments and, thanks to astrology, you can have some confirmation that this particular one is real. The highlight of your astrology is not just equal emphasis on both creativity and work, but the removal of the dividing wall between the art studio and the office. Similarly, there is emphasis on passion and on healing, on self-focused experience and absolute devotion to service. There is equal emphasis on what you do in private spaces and how this radiates out into the culture around you. If there's a problem with this astrology, here it is: most humans I've met or heard about struggle with recognizing their capacity to be so much at once. Said another way, we struggle with our human potential; with our potential to be fully human. In my experience on the planet, that's the biggest risk a person can take. It calls for courage, and for setting aside the fear of consequences that in so many lifetimes has proved to be worth heeding. Sooner or later, we all must get over the pain and sense of limitation that we've accumulated from past experiences, and for you this is an excellent time to do just that.