Emotional Cancer

Good Day Folks.

I deem that today will be a good day, no matter what comes my way. I am the constant. I am, indeed, the decider in my-story. This I choose as my truth today.

I had a completely pleasurable morning, waking to the sound of loud nature and quiet conversation is completely blissful.

As you know I am often reflecting on life and looking back at where I was, how I felt, what I was doing, and what I was unable to do. Then reflecting on now and finally spending time visioning where I would like to be.

The now is getting much clearer. I have many illusions dropping away. As I release anger, resentment, fear, and blame I am much more able to see reality, and not just the reality that I decide to see. The future gets brighter and brighter as I clear out the cloudiness of yesterday.

I couldn’t say that a year ago.

Last year this time I was very sick. I call the sickness emotional cancer. (I do not mean to offend or in any way take lightly physical cellular cancer)

I’d like to make it clear that one of the definitions of cancer is a malignant growth or tumor resulting from such a division of cells.

I had a malignant growth in my spirit and mind. I was steeped in self-loathing, negative thoughts and disastrous actions.

The tumors of anger, rage, resentment, and emotional turmoil had been growing deep within the nucleus of my cells for decades and seemed to peak at a time in my life when I assumed I should have been most happy.

However, I was not happy. I think many people had a hard time believing that I was as unhappy as I was because I am a good actor. I could act like everything was alright. I had acted like what I thought others wanted from me. I could and would act like I thought others needed me to be.

See, I had been acting since before I could remember.  When I was five years old my Uncle filmed me saying ‘when I grow up I want to be an actress...’ I held on to that goal and that is exactly what I became. I am a classically trained professional actor. I attended one of the best training schools in the country to perfect the craft of acting. I thought I was training to do theater, movies, and television, and maybe one day to teach. However, I realize now that the training I received in the craft of acting was a powerful tool that I used to hide my fear, shame, and the belief that I wasn’t good enough and didn’t love myself.   

Of course you don’t need to attend acting school to be a great actor in your life, but it certainly worked in my favor…

The crazy thing is that I didn’t know I was acting in my personal life. I would always declare (and rather loudly) just the opposite. I swore up and down that I would never act with my friends, family, or lovers! I didn’t know it then as I do now but that was exactly what I was doing acting for everyone.

I wanted to be accepted. I wanted to be liked. I just wanted to be loved the way I couldn’t seem to love myself and I did anything and everything to get that approval, love and support. Most of my attempts to get this love were in intimate relationships with women. I was looking for a love that I couldn’t provide for myself, a love I never felt from my parents.

Most of my relationships ended poorly and most ended rather dramatically. Emo cancer doesn’t really work well with other’s dis-eases.  

As a young child I had been molested by my stepfather, only clearly remembering it well into my 30’s. In Junior high I was fondled by a clothing store owner in my hometown. He would touch my body how, where, and when he wanted and in return I would get fly clothes that I otherwise couldn’t afford. Clothes that I thought would make me appear Fresh, and make the kids stop calling me Erica-Fat-America. The clothes never achieved the goal I had in mind for them.

At thirteen I was raped by a kid who was in high school, in my mother’s house. He wouldn’t take the final NO after the initial YES that came once I had seen his actual penis. For years I felt that I had to do sex with men when I had gotten them hard because, I had done that to them.

The emotional cancer was planted and spread into every aspect of my existence.

All I could do was feel, feel pain, feel disappointment, feel anger. Feel unworthy, feel useless and feel just plain ol’ bad – like something was deeply wrong with me.

The hurt was unbearable at times, most times.  

There were moments when I was suicidal. There was even a moment when I began cutting myself.

I was so ashamed. I believed that not only was I too old to be cutting(I was definitely way into adulthood by then), but I bought into the idea that I was supposed to be a “strong Black woman” and we just didn’t do shit like that! – Kinda joking but mostly serious.

I would sing my swan song to anyone who would listen. I sat with friends and cried and begged for help from everyone, my mother, my siblings, my spouse.  

Around last year this time the emotional cancer was eating me alive and no one had the cure, but  I was too wrapped up in the pain of it all to do anything but what I did.

Leaving the life I had set up was the chemo of choice. I believed at the time that I had no other choice. I had to save my life.

Chemotherapy is often life saving and a necessary step towards remission. However, the affects of chemo on the body can be incredibly harsh, going from nausea and hair loss to crippling pain. To my understanding, chemotherapy kills both healthy cells and sick cells in order to eradicate the cancer.

My chemo of choice destroyed many aspects of my life, aspects that I didn’t expect to be destroyed. Some of the losses have been quite major. However, ‘Just because I left…I’m alive!

Just because I left...I’m living and not acting my life. Just because I left…I’m beginning to experience my best life ever.

I am learning a new and healthier way of being. I am beginning to see that I am loveable because I am a child of God, no less and no more than anyone else. I am learning that my emotional cancer was self-inflicted and that I can be the decider and make sure it never returns again.

My emotional cancer is in remission.

I am full of Gratitude for every moment that has led to now.

Thank you for reading! It means so much!

Have A TERRIFIC Day! You can y’know… you’re the DECIDER in your own life!

E~