I Have Time

 Have Time

I think todays blog may be stupid and silly. Nonetheless, it is how I feel and all I’ve got for now. So in order to have some blogging consistency and transparency I’m gonna cut to the chase, keep it short, sweet, and directly to the point.

Last year was one of the most consistently busy years of my career thus far. I had more acting and performance opportunity in 2016 than ever before. I took on more teaching artist work, and private coaching sessions. I managed to set up on new home on my own, (the third home in five year) be my sons momma and party like a 20 year old (1990’s) rock star, which including an active dating life. A very active dating life, tee hee hee.

Anyway, this year started off with some awesome opportunities, visit www.ericabradshaw.com and see for yourself.

However, now at the end of June 2017, I’m not really that busy, not busy at all. I have time to drive out of town and visit a friend. I have time to focus on the gym and healthy lifestyle. I have time to shop and prep for my son entering 1^st grade in the fall. I have time to write and finish plays and dream. I have time to decide and refine the look that I want to have in the fall when it will be picture time again. I have time. I’m not running and hustling 22 jobs, which feels great. I’m not hustling between acting and performance gigs. I have a handful of private clients, many that are away for much of the summer so again, I have time. I have time.

Having time terrifies me. I am not independently wealthy, not yet anyway, so when I have time it usually means my bank may be deficient but for now, I’m…ok.

I have time. Time to enjoy my home, the shore, women, life.

All this fucking time is making me nuts! I feel like as a black lesbian mother actor person I should not ever be sitting down, not ever!  I should be fighting for the cause or at least acting like I’m fighting for the cause. Neither of which I’m doing.

See, here’s the thing. I’m fucking tired! I’m tired. I have run and run and run and will continue to run again real soon I’m sure.

So my plan for today is to do my best to be in the moment and enjoy the time I have. What the fuck else can I do. Oh, besides cursing a lot. I have time now so I’m gonna curse more.

Later…or maybe sooner cause, I HAVE TIME!

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The Great Purge of 2017

            I’m purging. I’m calling it the great purge of 2017. I’m purging clothes, shoes, excess stuff. Stuff that even though it may be neatly packed and tucked into the appropriate drawer, shelf, or storage bin is no longer necessary or of importance to me. There’s so much! Things that at one time held some deep emotional or financial value and some things that never had much value but seemed like things I should keep. Some of these items are worth selling, like the 32” flat screen television and separate DVD player which sit on my dresser in my bedroom and never get used. I never really believed that having a TV in the bedroom was a good idea for me even solo and definitely not while in a relationship. Somewhere in my travels I heard that a TV in the bedroom messes with intimacy. I also heard that falling asleep with a TV watching you snore was a set up to allow stories, news, whatever to seep into my subconscious.  I gotta protect my subconscious cause, she be doin’ stuff on the real. Now I can’t speak to the source or validity of where this information came from, but it just clicked with me.

In the midst of the great purge of 2017 I came across, yet again, the three plastic bins that contain all the scripts, plays, and press that I’ve collected working as an actor for over 20 years. It is my plan to never ever part with this collection. I like carrying it from home to home and place to place it marks my life pursing my lifelong dream and the work I’ve done to achieve it. It reminds me of who I am and some time, I’m gonna keep it real, I need the reminder cause I’m bound to forget.

During the great purge of 2017 I came across another set of plastic bins. Bins filled with the journals I’ve been keeping since I was 14 years old. Every few years I’ll sit and read a few years here and there. My most recent review of these journals had me flashing back to 1993, I was nineteen years old.

May 15^th 1993

“Went to the mall and spent way too much money. Way 2 much! Anyway, I got a dress and an outfit that I totally adore and it fits well (except for my big high ass) it’s great. I felt so good to be alone shopping. I miss my alone time. I need to start having it again. I will. This summer is beginning to look really good. I will work at something I like, working with kids and teaching them theater and I’ll live alone (hopefully). I’m on the road to learning who I am and I love it! And I’m losing weight, slowly but surely starting to like my whole self. Wow! Especially in the black dress.

I gotta tell ya’ not much has changed and yet so much has changed. I still overspend however, nowadays I earn a lot more but, damn, I’m still overspending it. I’m always attempting to lose weight and change my high big ass. That hasn’t changed enough for my liking but with age I’ve learned that my high big ass isn’t a repellent or the definition of who I am. My scale goes slightly up and slightly down and I’ve begun to understand the ins and outs and whys of my weight. I’m much kinder to me now and I’m still on the road to learning who I am and liking my whole self. One of the biggest changes…I live alone with my son, (I share custody), I have ample alone time and though there are times when he’s not with me and it is incredibly lonely but it’s becoming a more bearable well-earned loneliness that passes more and more quickly with each day. Don’t get me wrong I’ve worked hard to be okay with and even peaceful and happy living alone. I don’t expect it will be forever but, for now.

The biggest and best part of the great purge of 2017 has been the emotional and psychologic releasing. I’ve opened up many of the emo-psycho storage units and was surprised to find so much excess. Old habits and behaviors that never ever served me. Ideals and thought patterns that were not only antiquated but damaging to the person I am and most want to be. I found tucked in so many corners repressed feelings and damaging opinions about everything from who I am, where I came from, and what I want to be. The emo-psycho purge has been most times painfully beautiful. I’m beginning to understand that no matter how neatly packed, I’ve got too much stuff and inhibits me from feeling and being as free in the world as I desire to be. My emo-psycho shit was not neatly pack, it was a mess, and I’m glad to be purging some of this shit. I’m sure I’ll be spending the next 54 years purging and I’m good with that.

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Time is Running Out?

Sometimes I wonder, “Did I miss the boat? Did my time to shine and become the greatness that I’d always known I was meant to become pass by?” I mean seriously, I’m a 42 year-old a Gen-Xer and I look at millennials, especially the black women millennials and I’m agog. I was raised thinking and believing that I was as free and entitled as could be, but these 36 year olds and under - fierce and fabulous millennial women - have taken that notion to the next level.

 

These black Millennial Women took the freedom and entitlement that I cloned from the white boys of the 80s and 90s and elevated it, upgraded it and have Glowed up! These mega women, as I am choosing to call them, are the embodiment of freedom and entitlement. They are absolutely unapologetic about everything, especially their blackness, their bodies, their feelings and their self-worth. They give no fucks about saying and seemingly deeply believing the phrase, “I don’t give a fuck.” These new warrior women are not scared to tell the white world about itself and still sit down, and have drinks or sex with white men or women, or men and women of any race. They are pro-black, pro-choice, pro-guns, pro-do you boo! These BMWs – Black Milennial Warriors, are not afraid to fuck and fall in love with any shade or gender of the rainbow coalition. They seem to follow their bliss, learn from the mistakes of their forefathers and charge forward knowing that they are the absolutely bomb-diggity!

Currently I’m dating one of these BMWs and I must admit…I feel antiquated at times. However, the education is everything. Being with a BMW is most definitely upping my game, I’m taking risks in a way I never dreamt to imagine. I’m finding a new depth of comfort with myself, my color, and my sexuality. I’m experiencing Erica more unapologetically than ever.

So obviously I won’t be the new kid on the block or a prodigy. I more than likely won’t be referred to as the new, young, fresh faced, whatever. However, maybe just maybe my time hasn’t passed. 

Maybe this is the most perfect time of all for me. We shall see!

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