The Great Purge of 2017

            I’m purging. I’m calling it the great purge of 2017. I’m purging clothes, shoes, excess stuff. Stuff that even though it may be neatly packed and tucked into the appropriate drawer, shelf, or storage bin is no longer necessary or of importance to me. There’s so much! Things that at one time held some deep emotional or financial value and some things that never had much value but seemed like things I should keep. Some of these items are worth selling, like the 32” flat screen television and separate DVD player which sit on my dresser in my bedroom and never get used. I never really believed that having a TV in the bedroom was a good idea for me even solo and definitely not while in a relationship. Somewhere in my travels I heard that a TV in the bedroom messes with intimacy. I also heard that falling asleep with a TV watching you snore was a set up to allow stories, news, whatever to seep into my subconscious.  I gotta protect my subconscious cause, she be doin’ stuff on the real. Now I can’t speak to the source or validity of where this information came from, but it just clicked with me.

In the midst of the great purge of 2017 I came across, yet again, the three plastic bins that contain all the scripts, plays, and press that I’ve collected working as an actor for over 20 years. It is my plan to never ever part with this collection. I like carrying it from home to home and place to place it marks my life pursing my lifelong dream and the work I’ve done to achieve it. It reminds me of who I am and some time, I’m gonna keep it real, I need the reminder cause I’m bound to forget.

During the great purge of 2017 I came across another set of plastic bins. Bins filled with the journals I’ve been keeping since I was 14 years old. Every few years I’ll sit and read a few years here and there. My most recent review of these journals had me flashing back to 1993, I was nineteen years old.

May 15^th 1993

“Went to the mall and spent way too much money. Way 2 much! Anyway, I got a dress and an outfit that I totally adore and it fits well (except for my big high ass) it’s great. I felt so good to be alone shopping. I miss my alone time. I need to start having it again. I will. This summer is beginning to look really good. I will work at something I like, working with kids and teaching them theater and I’ll live alone (hopefully). I’m on the road to learning who I am and I love it! And I’m losing weight, slowly but surely starting to like my whole self. Wow! Especially in the black dress.

I gotta tell ya’ not much has changed and yet so much has changed. I still overspend however, nowadays I earn a lot more but, damn, I’m still overspending it. I’m always attempting to lose weight and change my high big ass. That hasn’t changed enough for my liking but with age I’ve learned that my high big ass isn’t a repellent or the definition of who I am. My scale goes slightly up and slightly down and I’ve begun to understand the ins and outs and whys of my weight. I’m much kinder to me now and I’m still on the road to learning who I am and liking my whole self. One of the biggest changes…I live alone with my son, (I share custody), I have ample alone time and though there are times when he’s not with me and it is incredibly lonely but it’s becoming a more bearable well-earned loneliness that passes more and more quickly with each day. Don’t get me wrong I’ve worked hard to be okay with and even peaceful and happy living alone. I don’t expect it will be forever but, for now.

The biggest and best part of the great purge of 2017 has been the emotional and psychologic releasing. I’ve opened up many of the emo-psycho storage units and was surprised to find so much excess. Old habits and behaviors that never ever served me. Ideals and thought patterns that were not only antiquated but damaging to the person I am and most want to be. I found tucked in so many corners repressed feelings and damaging opinions about everything from who I am, where I came from, and what I want to be. The emo-psycho purge has been most times painfully beautiful. I’m beginning to understand that no matter how neatly packed, I’ve got too much stuff and inhibits me from feeling and being as free in the world as I desire to be. My emo-psycho shit was not neatly pack, it was a mess, and I’m glad to be purging some of this shit. I’m sure I’ll be spending the next 54 years purging and I’m good with that.

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