I choose to let go

I am working on changing my ideas and thoughts and attempting to discipline my mind. As I have mentioned, having a spiritual practice helps greatly. Another thing that helps is to simply call on God, Spirit, Whatever, while in the midst of a troubling idea or thought and focus on the present moment. One of the biggest lessons from my training as an actor is also becoming one of the most important life lessons to grasp and practice: I can't affect the past, it is done. I have no idea what the future holds so spending my time pondering the potential dangers is useless - except to create the danger, and well, the only sane and safe place to be is in the NOW focusing on the present moment. Currently, I am busting my ass to be present and it is actually working...sometimes! I had moments this weekend that threatened to lead me down the negativity rabbit hole. One such thought was having to return my son to his other parent. Another was having the desire to grill out for the holiday weekend and knowing that the two grills I bought and put together are no longer accessible due to the divorce. I then started thinking about the new kitchen installed last August that I did most of the prep work or and supervising of the workers. I started to think of the landscaping tools and equipment that I purchased and used. Basically, I started remembering the 'stuff' that seems lost to the end of the marriage. These thoughts almost got the best of me until I chose to let the fuckers go! I chose to focus on the long hugs and fun my son and I shared while we were together. Instead of thinking about the grills that are no longer mine I realized that the cleaning of the grill was no longer my responsibility and for that I am grateful, I fucking hated cleaning the grill and often opted to 'burn' it clean, but that's a story for another Blog post. As for the kitchen, well, I changed my thoughts from granite countertops to enjoying the great conversation and company that I share in an old outdated kitchen. There are so many moments when the tragedy, loss, and betrayal hover poised and ready to drop me to my knees with depression and sadness. I have had many of those moments, enough for a lifetime. While I am not saying that I won't have more, while I am still an advocate of "feeling the fuck out of my feelings" (Thank, Dan Savage), I know that if I can realize during the in-between moments that I have a choice on where to put my focus and on what to think and thus, I feel I am going to choose good things. Inspiring things, instead of crying at the sad song, or brewing over the losses, I am going to stick my head out the window of the fast moving car, doggie style and enjoy the whipping wind as it sends my spit flying up my cheeks.

 

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