Still talking about the Mother

Back in the day, when I first told my mother that I had a girlfriend who hit me she replied by saying we were no good together, but separately, she loved us both. She felt like my girlfriend needed a good mother figure because her mother had left her for drugs. She attempted to be Mother-friends with this girlfriend of mine. She never defended me, protected me (the way I thought she should) or did anything to care, help, or soothe (in the way I thought she should). My mother has since repeated this behavior with my soon to be ex-wife.
I'm sure my mother thought she was loving, kind, and supportive. However, I believe that because she never healed or got help processing the abuse she received from my stepfather (and never discussed the abuse I witnessed) she was unable to be fully present and truly loving and/or helpful for me. I don't think my mother is a bad person, she is no better or worse than anyone else. I do believe that her pain from being beaten up in front of her eldest daughter while pregnant with her youngest daughter rendered her completely unable to mother me when I found myself in a similar situation. I watched my mother and learned from her how to behave based on what I saw her demonstrate in relationships. She yelled, screamed, belittled through sarcasm, emotionally manipulated and had tantrums, then she got hit. I yelled, screamed, belittled through sarcasm, emotionally manipulated and had tantrums, then I got hit. She left. I left. The difference, I have been talking about the abuse for years. The difference; I am not the only mother of my child and cannot just run away with my child and ignore. The difference; I have been in therapy for many years and work with various spiritual guides and prayer partners to get to the heart of these patterns, abuses, and problems. The difference; I am not my mother. I am continually taking classes and doing work to identify my issues and deal with the shit I had encountered as a child. Still, I am surprised that at almost forty, I am still discussing mother issues. I am learning that I am not the only one, there are so many of us.
Being able to say that I am deeply disappointed, and that I feel deeply hurt, betrayed, and abandoned by my mother is proving to be one of the effective tools in learning to forgive myself, and her. I have carried so much anger toward my mother for years. Still, I invited her into my marriage and my life hoping that one day she would be other than what she had always been. Hoping she would be kind, loving, and act like my ideal mother. I wanted to be loved and treated with kindness by my mother. Realizing that she isn't able to oblige is at once sad and liberating. It means that I am not bad, ugly, wrong, or broken. It means that I just so happened to have the mother I have and that because of exactly who she is and what she has done I am who I am.
Who am I? I am a child of God. I am doing the best I can daily to embody the Love and Light of God. Some days I am more successful than other days.

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