Freedom, Process, Change

Good Day Folks,

I hope you are having a wonderful day or night.

I am working my way into a great day. It's been a challenging morning emotionally. I woke up feeling kinda 'snarky'. You know that kinda stank, kinda annoyed, kinda-out-of-it feeling that can happen for reasons at first unknown and then upon deeper inspection completely known? Yup, that is me this morning. However, I am determined to rise up into the joy that I know intellectually and soulfully is constantly there for me. I may fake it a bit till I make it but I know that I am gonna make it, I already have.

The morning started with my neighbors five children running around at quarter to five in the morning. They must have been preparing for the beach or camp or something because they are never up that early and by 5:30am they were on their way and it was again silent. They are sweet good kids but I still don't want to hear the herd of them and their excited feet at 4:45am!

Of course, I had fallen asleep way too early, missing TrueBlood, so I figured that I had had enough sleep and headed into my office for meditation.

I lit my incense and candles, gonged my Tibetan singing bowl, and turned on my Ohm chanting music. I took my deep preparation breaths and tried to silence my chatty brain, my thoughts were racing all over the place. I was creating and destroying worlds within my thoughts. I was stewing over my divorce case, my finances, my son, my weight. I was engrossed in past events, betrayals, and vendettas. My thoughts were a mess! I couldn't seem to lose myself in meditation and chanting so I decided to pray. I turned to God and said, 'Help, now.'

There was no miraculous turn around... Ok, I guess there was but I didn't see it as miraculous until just this very moment.

My lack of ability to focus led me to read a passage in Creative Thought, a small monthly pamphlet filled with daily inspirational prayers. That is where I read the following, by Ernest Holmes:

"The evolution of freedom in the human mind is a slow process."

Process, I forget that sometime. Actually, I forget that a lot of times.

Anyway, after meditation, I did week two, day eight of P90X. Today was this workout called Plyometrics, it's all about jumping. I am well over 200lbs. and do not consider myself a jumper let alone a jumper who lands softly as Tony Horton, the creator and instructor of P90X, would like for me to do. This is the second time I have done Plyometrics and while I sense some mild improvements - I didn't fudge out on all of the jump/squat combination - I feel lacking in overall mastery. I did finish the whole video which is an entire hour. I also didn't sit down, turn it off or give up. I modified my ass to kingdom come but didn't quit. AND I didn't talk myself out of the workout because I was in a 'snarky' mood. When that doggone Tony said, "...and we're done!" I growled loudly in deep appreciation that I friggin' made it through!

I made it through.

Then the idea of my process sprang into mind. It was 2011, the year my son was born and also the year I stopped smoking. Since my big stop I have smoked three cigarettes and never picked up the habit again. A year later I started running and ran my first 3.1miles with out stopping. In October 2012, I made a difficult decision and left a very unhappy marital situation. 2013 is proving to be a tremendous year. So far this year I applied and was accepted into a seminary program to become a minister, I began this blog, I am building my own business, I am training for a mini triathlon, I have a daily spiritual practice, and most importantly, I have begun to understand with much more clarity and less judgement who I truly am. I know now that I am unique and rare expression of God, and therefore a co-creator of my life's experiences. I understand the concept of Unity with all persons and am working to practice love, compassion, and forgiveness of self and others all the time.

Hmm.

I'm not feeling so snarky anymore. Plus I had my coffee.

How do you feel? If it's not a feeling you want to have, can you honor, acknowledge and release it? Would you be willing to try?

Have an Excellent Day!

Much Love,

E~

 

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Think and Conceive

"Happiness is not a state to arrive at, but a manner of traveling."

Margaret Lee Runbeck

Hey Folks!

I'm happy.

This is a good thing and not just for me. My personal happiness actually affects your life more than you know. For example, I'm a mom, and my happiness directly affects my son and he in turn will affect the other children he makes friends with and so on and so on.

Happiness was not always my first choice in how I travelled the world. I use to travel first class in depression, sadness, anxiety, and misery. I travelled that way until I was struck with severe emotion sickness and was forced to make a change.

The choices were as follows; I could live a depressed, sad, pathetic life wallowing constantly in my own "pig" (perilous ignorant gunk), I could choose to constantly emotionally and physically beat up myself and others, or I could just kill myself or others and be dead or locked up. Finally, and this is the choice that I am so friggin' overjoyed about... I could decide to live life fully, be grateful for breath, health, and continued love and support from the most high God.

I opted for the last option.

I'm glad I did.

And because of that choice, I get to sit here and pontificate my deep thoughts and joyfulness to you.

Peace Out Baby!

E~

 

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This will make it better!

 

July 29, 2013 A few years ago at the Seattle Special Olympics, nine contestants, all physically or mentally differently-abled, assembled at the starting line for the 100-yard dash. At the gun, they all started out, not exactly in a dash, but with a relish to run the race to the finish and win. All, that is, except one boy who stumbled on the asphalt, tumbled over a couple of times and began to cry. The other eight heard the boy cry. They slowed down and looked back. Then they all turned around and went back. Every one of them. One girl with Down's syndrome bent down and kissed him and said, 'This will make it better.' Then all nine linked arms and walked together to the finish line. Everyone in the stadium stood, and the cheering went on for several minutes. People who were there are still telling the story. Why? Because deep down we know this one thing: What matters in this life is more than winning for ourselves. What matters in this life is helping others win, even if it means slowing down and changing our course. -Anne Lamott, Help, Thanks, Wow

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This little light of mine!

Good day folks!

The quote below was sent to me via email by One Spirit Interfaith Ministries where I will be attending seminary classes in the fall.

However many holy words you read,

However many you speak,

What good will they do you

If you do not act upon them?

-The Budha

 

 

(The following should be interpreted as if I am speaking in a monotone, meditative holier-than-thou voice)

My intention is to absorb the teachings, the "holy words", the "holy attitude" and the "holy behaviors" of GOD. My mission is to demonstrate my holiness at all times.

By holy I mean Spiritually Enlightened. Ohmmmm!

By holy I mean beyond the human inconveniences of anger, jealousy, spite and other emotions that I have judged and deem to be negative. Ohmmmm! (up an octave)

By holy I mean it is my intention to create the best possible highest vibration of love, light, and peace, in every moment. Ohmmmm! (super high octave)

Ohm.

Ohm.

Ohm.

(End holier-than-thou enlightened voice and become regular human again)

Um....Holy, holy, holy...Shit!

I'm not having the greatest success at becoming the Budha, Jesus, or even Ghandi.

And here's the news flash...

I ain't 'spose ta!

I'm clearly a spiritual being having a human experience and part of the human experience my soul has chosen to have is an EMO one. That's right, Emo, short for emotional. My soul's agenda is to feel some good, to feel some bad, to feel some deep shit during this incarnation in human form as Erica Bradshaw. And no matter how long I ohm, chant, breathe and meditate I ain't neva eva gon' be no Budha, and I ain't 'spose to be neetha!

This has got to be one of the most profound learnings of my young ass life!

That's right, I said, 'my 39 year old young ass life!' 39 is very young when I'm gon' be here till I'm 96!

Anyway, you know I get easily sidetracked, so let me get back to the point.

The point is that I am here on this planet to be all the way Erica. That means expressing, acting, being, loving, laughing, crying, and all that other stuff the way only I can do it. That is why I'm here. Not to re-enact the life of Jesus, the Budha, or Mother Theresa.

Each of us is here to allow love, light, and peace to be funneled through our human being selves thus creating an experience equal to but different than anyone else's human being selfs experience.

Why then are we all so fucking hard on one another? Why are we so judgmental of one another? Why don't we all just love each other better?

Wait. Let's make this shit real, let me be accountable, for me.

Why am I so hard on others? Why am I so judgmental of others? Why don't I love better?

Damn.

I'll tell you why, because I'm hard on myself, because I'm judgmental and cruel to myself, because I've been lacking self-love and therefore have experienced almost no choice but to be that lack to other people.

Wow!

I didn't mean to say that out loud.

Now that it's said, I will be in integrity and stand by the fact that it's truth whether I front or not.

I definitely have to treat me better because all of the holy words, and all of the holy talk, will not put Erica back together again. Why? Because just like you I was never broken.

That bears repeating.

Just like you I was never broken.

We were never broken.

Hear this loudly and clearly.

No matter what you may have done you have never ever been broken. Even when if felt like you were. That was your mind playing tricks on you cause if you here now reading this you couldn't have possibly ever been broken cause broken don't read, broken don't breathe, broken don't exist.

You and I, we, were never ever broken. That idea is an illusion.

You and I, we are whole, healthy, complete. That is the truth. That is what Jesus, Budha, Ghandi, Mother T, and all the other glorious examples of spiritual humanists knew.

You and I, we ain't broke!

So, therefore I am not gon' deal with me or you like we belong to the world of misfit, unwanted toys. I am gon' shine my light.

That was the first song I ever sang in church. I sang solo. I know...I know...I'm going back to the topic.

This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine.

This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine.

This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine.

Let it shine

Let it shine

Let it shine

(Now go back and sing it! You know you want to)

I hope you decide to let your little light shine too.

We all see so much more vividly when everyone's light is on full blast.

That's how we begin to truly be holy.

 

 

 

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Post Traumatic Growth

From the break comes the break thru!

About.com defines Post Traumatic Growth as the following:

The positive changes individuals may experience following a traumatic event. For example, following a traumatic event, some people report positive changes in their goals, priorities, relationships with others, and spirituality as a result of re-evaluating or modifying their assumptions about the world and their life.

Dr. Darlene Powell Garlington Clinical Psychologist, DCoE defines PTG as the following:

Post-traumatic Growth is the positive psychological change experienced as a result of a struggle with challenging life circumstances that represent significant challenges to the adaptive resources of the individual and/or an individual's way of understanding the world and one’s their place in it.

It is an experience of improvement that for some is deeply profound.

In Dr. Powell's article I read and see myself. Yip-da-freakin'-EEEE!

This is not new information but it is really helpful for me. My traumas; an abusive marriage, a horrible divorce, family betrayal, separation from my son, and financial collapse. At the peak of all that I was a basket case much of the time. However, my soul, God, and the love of the most amazing friends have led me to experience fully Post Traumatic Growth!

I am living a PTG life and it is sweet!

Have a Great Day!

 

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I love you.

I'm writing this blog under the assumption that I'm not the only grown up who watched and thoroughly enjoyed the movie 'Mean Girls'.

That's one confession. I have another one.

No drum roll please.

I, Erica Bradshaw, being of sound mind and body do solemnly confess to being a Mean Girl ---to myself--- a whole friggin' lot!

There, I said it, out loud, via blog, to you. It's completely true. Still, I have yet to sigh with relief. One would assume that a relief sigh would accompany such an admission, perhaps soon, but not yet.

It doesn't feel good to know that I psychologically and verbally attack myself. What the f@ck?! Why the hell would I do that? Don't I have enough judges and attackers out there? Isn't my soon to be ex-wife, mother, sister and their posse enough? Do I really have to spew venom at my own self?! UGH!

And then do I have to add injury to insult by feeling guilty for beating my own self up?

Gee Whiz!

'Really Bradshaw you must stop this self abuse, - I'm trying! - I know, be gentle on yourself, you are going through a huge transition and life change, blah, blah, blah, and you're doing a great job.'

I first figured out that I was a being a Mean Girl to myself during a classroom challenge from my spiritual teacher. She said our assignment was to go home, look into the mirror daily and say, 'I love you' to our reflection until we meant it.

It seemed like an easy enough homework assignment and I was sure that I would have no problem whatsoever completing the task quickly. I was also pleased as pie that we didn't have any written homework though it should be known that I love written homework because it gives me an opportunity to pontificate about my spiritual progress and show off my stellar penmanship. Hey listen, I'm on the road to enlightenment and becoming a minister, I am not there yet besides, not many people really care anymore about my beautiful beautiful cursive handwriting.

Anyway, the next morning, after meditation, prayer, and contemplation I stood in front of the mirror to complete my homework and give some self-love and this is what came out:

"Look at your fat face!"

"Damn, when did you get crows feet?"

"Black ain't supposed to crack but you are definitely looking your age sista!"

"How are you aging and still having that pimple problem?"

"Is that another errant hair on your second chin?"

"Gosh, how would you feel to wake up to this face every morning?"

"Get your roots done fatty."

"I would love you but you look a mess!"

"I don't know how I'm supposed to love a face like that!"

"Chile, at least put a head scarf on and make it a bit easier to be looked at!"

I was shocked at all the negativity that I was spewing almost unconsciously at MY OWN SELF! It was absolutely horrifying. How could I treat myself so poorly?

I didn't have an answer but vowed that day two would be better.

On day two the voices/thoughts returned and attempted to continue bombarding my sensitive and delicate sensibilities with negativity.

That's when I made a decision. I decided that no one, not even me, gets to say intentionally mean and cruel things to Erica. I decided right then and there to stick up for myself in a loving, kind, compassionate manner. In that decider moment I became the defender that I have always been seeking. I became the protector whom I have so craved for in my life. See, I was always looking for my parents, my partners, my friends, whomever, to stand up and fight for me. I was always fighting for others, rarely for myself. I really just wanted someone to fight for me - whether I was right or wrong.

I'm learning from the mirror exercise that the first, last, and most important person to defend and protect me is ME! I'm learning that in knowing God I don't need defense or protection from external sources because no person or circumstance can ever truly cause me damage.

I ain't gon' lie, there is still a struggle when looking in the mirror to give me some love, but there is drastically less Mean Girl shit. More and more I am looking in the mirror and falling in love with the little brown eyed girl staring back at me who's been longing to be loved and accepted.

One day I'm gonna hug that little girl so tightly and with so much love that she instantly drops all fear, pain, and anger and decides it's time to let go and grow up.

Have a Great Day Peeps!

 

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Learning Faith

Faith, by dictionary.com definition is defined by using many of the following words: confidence, trust, belief, obligation, loyalty, fidelity. A few of the example sentences of faith are; '...faith in another's ability.' 'He had faith that the hypothesis would be substantiated by fact,' and finally 'He was the only one who proved his faith during our recent troubles.'

Confidence, trust, belief, obligation, loyalty, and fidelity are big big words to me. I must admit that while I am grateful for all moments that led to now. I also have to say that many of the moments that led to now have occurred because of my inability to fully understand words that make up the definition of faith.

I know I learned the literal definitions of all those words as a child during grade school. But damn I wish George Washington Elementary would have gone into teaching the practical application of those words!

I learned very early how to spell the words. I learned very early how to pronounce words correctly. I was even able to memorize definitions at a young age, but I never truly knew what they meant in action.

I am learning faith in action now.

Oftentimes, the learning comes the hard way.

Quick sidebar. The word that I most remember learning in school, I mean the word I learned most viscerally, in school, was the word hackneyed. It was a ninth grade spelling word and there was something about the way Mrs. Sasso defined and stressed hackneyed over and over and over again that made it sink in. Perhaps it sank in because she used it in an example sentence that I could intrinsically understand. Mrs. Sasso decided to use me as the subject of her example sentence to the class, she said, "Your mother's constant nagging is becoming so hackneyed, isn't it Erica?"

How did she know? Yes, Mrs. Sasso, yes! My mother's nagging is completely hackneyed!

That is when I knew I loved Mrs. Sasso, the tall curvaceous Italian-American English teacher, with the fabulous hair. That is when I knew. Hmmm.

Alright, I'm back...back from elementary gay girl revelry...sorry for the detour.

Anyway, what was I talking about?

Oh yeah, Faith.

I am learning faith. My faith is being tested. As I continue on this magic carpet ride into my higher consciousness and best possible self, I am aware of how shaky my faith has been and can be at times.

I'm learning that faith means not knowing how, when, what, or why and trusting with confidence that shit is going to work out exactly as it needs to work out for the highest best outcome of my soul's education.

I'm learning that faith is all about the belief that I'm one with the One and that I am therefore a creator of my life and not a victim to it.

I'm learning that my obligation is to honor the Divine within and it shall reflect that love into the world.

I'm learning that true faith is fidelity to the words and promises that come tumbling out of my mouth.

I'm learning to use conjunctions.

I'm learning that faith is the biggest word I have ever attempted to know.

I'm learning that faith is not money in the bank. Faith is the bank. This is a huge lesson right now, especially because of the seeming lack of money in my bank. It would appear that I am broke as hell but faith is knowing that I am abundant and prosperous in all ways always.

I've got a secret. Shhh, don't tell nobody. I feel incredibly rich! I mean it. I have a beautiful son, I am healthy as can be, and getting more fit. I'm loved and showered with affection daily, I have some of the best friends in the world. I also have a spiritual home that nourishes me and I've got an online community that never forgets me on my birthday, thanks Facebook! I have a lovely home. I'm blessed to have food and drink that is good and good for me. I get to do work that I love and inspires me. I've got the ability to listen to wonderful music and watch entertaining videos. Plus, I've got the knowledge and the...faith that the richness and abundance I already have is attracting more of the same into my experience.

I am surrendering into the unknown with, confidence, trust, belief, obligation, loyalty, and fidelity.

I am learning.

Faith.

And that is not hackneyed at all.

 

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Happy

I'm happy.

Audible books rock!

This will all come together just keep reading.

While I am not pleased that Audible.com never called me to record one of these modern audio works of wonder...(I didn't want to work for them anyway, SIKE!) I still completely love love love the service.

I have lived without cable for over 10 months and have read more books, wait, excuse me, listened to more books than I had in the past 10 years!

The last Audible book I heard was by Shawn Achor titled, 'The Happiness Advantage,' not to be confused with Gretchen Rubin's 'The Happiness Project' - which I also Audible'd. Gretchen's book was a good self-test and personal experimentation book-umentary and there were some witty stories, but it didn't WOW me like Shawn's book.

I guess you can tell from the titles I mentioned that happiness is of major importance to me on this spiritual journey as I am continuing to be a mom, on the road to becoming a minister and definitely dedicated to having a more happy life.

Let's call Shawn's book THA for short. His book is based on facts, statics and numbers. It was all scientific. At first I was worried that I wouldn't be able to get into it because of the scientific hooey. But I got into it! Boy oh boy, did I get into it so much so that I kinda got a crush on science. I mean I am generally an all Theater/English person, but science like this is HOTT! This type of science confirms the knowing of my soul and consciousness and makes me Xcited! It is what I have known in my soul since forever.

Drum Roll...

Happiness is the answer, positive thinking changes lives for the better and for anyone and everyone. People and relationships and the care and nurturing we give ourselves and others is the key to HAPPINESS. It is now a scientific fact!

Disclaimer, there are many many many others who have offered this information. I am not in anyway implying that I have found something new to the world or even that I have improved upon something already existing in the world. I am simply getting happy about happy and sharing it with you Non-vegan style! (Don't ask, I don't have to always make sense!)

Anyway...

Money, careers, stuff, religion, politics, etc... ad-nauseum doesn't make people happy. Shawn details in THA how the happiest people share one commonality. The relationships they create, maintain, and foster! He asserts that the research shows that when times are challenging the way to tighten your time belt is definitely NOT by shutting down or shutting off from your support circle and/or community. That is exactly the time to engage deeper and more hardcore! That is the time to go H.A.A.M. (Hard As A Mutha*uka) into your relationships.

He also states that when a marriage or relationship gets hard and there's just not enough time to get everything done, stress and pressure are at the max, save and cut time everywhere else but not with the person with whom you are in relationship. The good stuff we get from the connectedness with a significant other is crucial for producing positive body effects.

This is where I will cease with the details and the recap. See, I don't remember what chemical gets released or from where and exacts like that, and I am obviously too lazy and ultimately too "not-sciency" to find out. However, some good shit is produced in our bodies when we connect and get closer to our mates, friends, and families during difficulties.

Just do it!

These scientific findings are making me so happy I could just kiss you! Seriously. I mean, it is something that my heart and soul always knew and had trouble convincing many in my circle to buy into. I feel somewhat vindicated... is it ministerial to feel vindicated? I don't know but, I am surely happy today, so does it matter?

Happiness is for everyone. Happiness is for everyone. Happiness is for everyone. If you don't believe me keep repeating it until you do. If that doesn't work, go read or listen to Shawn's book. Finally, if that doesn't work, then do some experiments with your self. Practice feigning happiness all day every day for a week and keep a daily record of how you are received and what you receive. It is astonishing the positive effects even a fake smile can have. Fake it till you make it. I know you will make it!

Final sidebar. I'm not a Polyanna. Anyone who knows me knows this. I am merely stating some things that are making life beautiful again after a life-altering blow. I have decided to Fall...Up!

Have a HAPPY DAY!

 

 

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What the heck is this blog about anyway?

"What's your blog about?"

"Why are you writing a blog?"

"What's the point?"

Those questions have been asked of me since I first started blogging a few years ago. Those early blogs didn't make it for long, maybe 5-10 posts. I believe that was because I wasn't clear enough about what I wanted to say, how I wanted to say it and why it needed to be said.

At the time I didn't know that I should just keep blogging and those questions would work themselves out. I just wanted a bunch of content and to act as if I knew something valuable in my Black lesbian motherhood experience of the world that no one else knew and everyone else would want to know.

I was wrong.

Back then I was naive and often arrogant believing that I was the only BLNBM (black lesbian non-bio-mom) out there with my particular given circumstances. The labels, Black, lesbian, and Non-bio mom, really only h cccbbcnvcccxhch nbnbjjelped me to feel more victimized and to wallow longer in my own...'Pig'.

'Pig', a self indulgent state of self pity and ultimate lack of self importance and self love.

"Just Because I left..." is a Blog about becoming my best self. It is about sharing the journey as I work towards becoming a minister and healer. I am writing to become and to stay accountable. I believe, as a friend once shared, 'You're only as sick as your biggest secret.' I am seeking to being exceedingly well and accountable. I know that as a minister I intend to be trustworthy and forthcoming and for me it is continuing and starting here.

The point of this Blog:

To connect, engage, inspire, and entertain - united as a global family- frolicking in our humanity, spirituality, and ONENESS.

Why am I compelled to write?

Good Day Folks!

This is a re-post from one of my Facebook friends. It is worth a read and re-post. It speaks to my heart and I am sure it resonates with many others. 

Thank you very much for sharing Ajike!



"Why am I compelled to write? Because the writing saves me from

this complacency I fear. Because I have no choice. Because I must 

keep the spirit of my revolt and myself alive. Because the world I 

create in the writing compensates for what the real world does not 

give me. I write because life does not appease my appetites and 

hunger. I write to record what others erase when I speak, to rewrite 

the stories others have miswritten about me, about you. To become 

more intimate with myself and you. To discover myself, to preserve 

myself, to make myself, to achieve self-autonomy. To dispel the 

myths that I am a mad prophet or a poor suffering soul. To 

convince myself that I am worthy and that what I have to say is not 

a pile of shit. And I will write about the unmentionables, never 

mind the outraged gasp of the censor and the audience. Finally I 

write because I am scared of writing but I'm more scared of not 

writing." Gloria Anzaldua

My EGO is a 6'9" Basketball Beast

I actually think my Ego is a female version of Michael Jordan at the height of his career. Except my Ego is all Colby cockiness and LeBron arrogance.

My Ego is a six foot nine inch tall, brawny, demanding, self-righteous, loud, insecure...(she didn't want me to write that) and wounded narcissist. She's five years old and twenty-five years old at the same time. Oh, and she is often angry. Very angry.

Not insinuating that Brittney Griner is a Ego-maniac at all, she's just tall and can Ball!

She's prone to fits of rage and moments of complete chaos. She is also known to have bouts of depression. There were times when she didn't know how to keep breathing and even believed she had to worry about that automatic function. There were times when she didn't know if she should live or die.

Until recently she has been free to do and say and be whomever her big ass decided to be, whenever her big ass decided to be it.

I can't say that she even enjoyed the freedom because she was never really totally free. Her ideas, thoughts, words and actions trapped her into situations and circumstances where she ultimately suffered, and suffered big time.

I recently decided to step in and make some changes because Ego was attempting to destroy our life!

She was saying things like:

• It's not my fault...
• Why are you talking to me like that?
• My mother hates me...
• My father abandoned me...
• It's just not right...
• It's so hard being me...
• You don't understand me at all!
• Why don't you love me more?
• Why are they doing this to me?
• It should be this way...
• Love me like this or don't love me at all!

Ego was working overtime to stay alive and I was unconscious and allowing it to happen.

Please note that speaking of my ego in this way is for dramatic purposes and a device used only to make a point. What's the point you ask? It's coming.

The point is that the rules have changed and because of the change this Ego beast is not happy with me, though she can't do anything about it, and needs me to survive, she's thoroughly upset.

See, I have stopped her in her tracks by calling her out. I call my EGO out by by her name, ERICA (being) GHASTLY & OBNOXIOUS, i.e. my E.G.O.!

Ego no longer runs the show in this theater.  She did her damnedest to be the HNIC (Head Nigga In Charge) but the jig is up and now, I am, E.R.I.C.A. - Enthusiastically Renewed, Insightful, & Creatively Amazing. I am now back to being who I have always been determined to be, a being of Love. Everything it took to get here is and was worth it.

Did I destroy Ego? No, kinda, well, to some degree.

Can I destroy Ego? Maybe, but I would never do that. There are some great things Ego has done for us. She gave us the courage to get through many horrendous challenges and she showed up when no one else could or would.  She is valuable, very valuable when well disciplined. However, her reign of control has come to an end. She must be shut down and re-altered, like that rob "Vickie" from Small Wonder.

Discipline is the key to living and prospering with a 6'9" Baller Ego, it's the only way. Ego will die and resurrect to live in harmony with life instead of in chaos. She's learning. It has taken decades, but she is learning.

Dearly Beloveds,

We are gathered here today to lay to rest one who has served and challenged us greatly. E.G.O. (ERICA being GHASTLY and OBNOXIOUS).  She is no longer with us, however, we have all been changed because she was a part of our lives.

E.G.O. leaves behind her courage, strength of character and passion. She leaves behind her fearlessness and loyalty. These qualities have been taken up by her other self and will live on.

During E.G.O.'s near four decades of life she caused great hurt and pain to herself and many others because she just didn't know no better. We now release her from the guilt and shame and desperation she dwelled in and we now and forevermore forgive her.

As we send our sister E.G.O. off to the Uppa Room, we do so knowing all is perfectly well and is as it should be.

E.G.O. we love you. Namaste, namasta, mumakasa!

R.I.P. E.G.O.!

Shift Happens

Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it.

Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it.

Hatred darkens life; love illumines it

- Martine Luther King Jr.

 

 

Good Day!

Recently I've been flooding my experience of life with messages affirming my wholeness, healthiness, perfection and completeness. I have been literally flooding all of my conscious moments with audible books and recordings, classes and conversations that elevate my consciousness understanding that I am co-creating my Life with the Creator. I am working with the Divine. I am enhancing my experience on this planet. I listen to metaphysical radio and podcasts and I have Post-It affirmations everywhere. I am keeping a daily gratitude journal, practicing daily meditation and basically allowing the great good of life to surround me. It is all-consuming.

I mention my practices to say that the experiment is working. I have heard for most of my life, 'You are what you eat, spiritually, mentally, and physically.' I am now digesting that inspirational food.

For years I have been eating way too many negativity biscuits. I had been overindulged in buttering and battering my spirit. I was malnourishing my body and mistreating it by lack of exercise, and an abundance of various other tasty "poisons."

Then I began to listen to the whispers that I have heard all of my life and they've become a little bit louder. They've said, "Change your thoughts, change your life." When I was a child my mother would remind me constantly that no one has the power to make you angry, mad, or sad. She would offer that, 'Erica DeLaine, the only person you can change is yourelf.' She was right. It may have been the single most beneficial gift she has ever given me, outside of life. For in the midst of the most challenging times, it is my solace. That and the understanding that there is no separation between myself and God, you and all of us.

Shift happens and I have to Shift!

I am Shifting, at first slowly and hesistantly. Now, I have to own the Shift. I understand that I have a choice. No matter what circumstances present I have a choice. No matter what the day brings. No matter how much or little I appear to have. No matter my size, sex, color, or orientation. I have the glory of choice. I have been through, the been through, and still I have a choice as to how I will continue to be in the world. Amdist all the pain, I have choice. WOW! I can choose to love myself, be kind to myself and others, I can choose to laugh or cry. I can with God choose the experience I want to have. And so it is!

This is great news! It means that even when people do things I may not desire, at any level, I can choose my response and my perspective on their words, decisions, and or actions. Then I can realize that the behavior of others is not personal. Even when it affects me personally. I realize now that we are all the human children of human children striving to survive, live, and expand as best as we possibly can and here comes almost automatically more forgiveness.

I am committed to a new and prosperous, abundant life. I am committed to allowing God into every nook and crany and every space. I am committed to lovingly with grace and ease allow myself to be my highest, best possible outcome. I am committed to service. Most of all, I am committed to Love.

Love is the question and Love is the answer.

Love, Shift happens.

Let it.

 

 

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REGRET - Mark & Whitney

Mark Twain says, "We regret the things we don't do more than what we do do." I think there are some other amazing humans out there that would definitely co-sign to that statement. Today, I am knowing that I am one of them. I think back over the past almost ten months, of this life journey and know that even thru the considerable loss of relationships and stuff, and stuff, and relationships. I have also lost a lot of grief, anger, and sadness that was associated with my marriage. I do not regret having marrying. I could not have been a different or better self than I was at that time. I have forgiven my own ignorance and inabilities. I have forgiven my ex. I don't and never have hated her, I know she was and is doing the best she can with what she has at her disposal as well. Don't get me wrong, I am not walking around pleased as punch over many of her decisions, but they are her decisions to make and there are no mistakes. Understanding the divinity in that has changed my life.

One of the challenges I'm facing is generating financial abundance. I am living on so much less than I have ever lived on before (or at least since college). Still, I'm exceedingly happy, superbly healthy, mentally sharp, spiritually faithful and focused. I am awaiting a financial opportunity that will allow me to excel far beyond my former lifestyle and to diligently save, grow, and share the financial love. I am surrendering to Spirit and tending the garden at the same time. I have a lot of skills and abilities and it is just a matter of time until it the income pans out.

Through this challenging time I have learned to cut myself some slack and be kind to Erica. At first, the tendency to bemoan my fate was strong, but thankfully I'm through beating myself up over not having enough money during this period of tremendous change and divorce. I have done the 'Why didn't I have keep my own,' or 'How could she do this to me...I gave everything.' Wah, wah wah! I have whined enough. I now realize that I was wrong to expect someone, even my spouse, to care about me more than I was caring for myself. I should have protected myself and been honest and upfront about protecting myself. Instead, I put my faith in another human and since when has that ever worked? It's not a trust issue. Some of my friends and acquaintances tell me, 'E, you just can't trust nobody.' I disagree, I think you can trust everyone to be exactly what we are, human - beautifully, tragically, triumphantly human.

Just because I left I am experiencing life in magnificent 3-D Technicolor and Dolby Sound! I may not have yet, the cash flow, but I couldn't be happier and I know that money is on the way.

I am genuinely learning to love myself, forgive myself, forgive others and see the perfect order in all things even the hard things. I am understanding that I create my happiness. I have drank the proverbial spiritual Kool-Aid (Red). And I now know God, Divine Spirit, Universe, whatever you call It, and that knowing and surrender is the most amazing experience of Life.

So, I have little to no regrets. I have done what I must do to be here now. I may not have made others happy in my way and choices, but we all have only our own lives to live.

And to quote another great and tragic human...

"I didn't know my own strength

and I crashed down and I tumbled,

but I did not crumble

I got through all the pain...

Survived my darkest hour,

my faith kept me alive,

picked myself back up

hold my head up high

I was not built to break..."

Thank you Whitney. Thank you friends, family and supporters. Thank you for loving me near and far. Thank you for knowing my strength for me when I didn't know it myself. I love you very much!

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