I love you.

I'm writing this blog under the assumption that I'm not the only grown up who watched and thoroughly enjoyed the movie 'Mean Girls'.

That's one confession. I have another one.

No drum roll please.

I, Erica Bradshaw, being of sound mind and body do solemnly confess to being a Mean Girl ---to myself--- a whole friggin' lot!

There, I said it, out loud, via blog, to you. It's completely true. Still, I have yet to sigh with relief. One would assume that a relief sigh would accompany such an admission, perhaps soon, but not yet.

It doesn't feel good to know that I psychologically and verbally attack myself. What the f@ck?! Why the hell would I do that? Don't I have enough judges and attackers out there? Isn't my soon to be ex-wife, mother, sister and their posse enough? Do I really have to spew venom at my own self?! UGH!

And then do I have to add injury to insult by feeling guilty for beating my own self up?

Gee Whiz!

'Really Bradshaw you must stop this self abuse, - I'm trying! - I know, be gentle on yourself, you are going through a huge transition and life change, blah, blah, blah, and you're doing a great job.'

I first figured out that I was a being a Mean Girl to myself during a classroom challenge from my spiritual teacher. She said our assignment was to go home, look into the mirror daily and say, 'I love you' to our reflection until we meant it.

It seemed like an easy enough homework assignment and I was sure that I would have no problem whatsoever completing the task quickly. I was also pleased as pie that we didn't have any written homework though it should be known that I love written homework because it gives me an opportunity to pontificate about my spiritual progress and show off my stellar penmanship. Hey listen, I'm on the road to enlightenment and becoming a minister, I am not there yet besides, not many people really care anymore about my beautiful beautiful cursive handwriting.

Anyway, the next morning, after meditation, prayer, and contemplation I stood in front of the mirror to complete my homework and give some self-love and this is what came out:

"Look at your fat face!"

"Damn, when did you get crows feet?"

"Black ain't supposed to crack but you are definitely looking your age sista!"

"How are you aging and still having that pimple problem?"

"Is that another errant hair on your second chin?"

"Gosh, how would you feel to wake up to this face every morning?"

"Get your roots done fatty."

"I would love you but you look a mess!"

"I don't know how I'm supposed to love a face like that!"

"Chile, at least put a head scarf on and make it a bit easier to be looked at!"

I was shocked at all the negativity that I was spewing almost unconsciously at MY OWN SELF! It was absolutely horrifying. How could I treat myself so poorly?

I didn't have an answer but vowed that day two would be better.

On day two the voices/thoughts returned and attempted to continue bombarding my sensitive and delicate sensibilities with negativity.

That's when I made a decision. I decided that no one, not even me, gets to say intentionally mean and cruel things to Erica. I decided right then and there to stick up for myself in a loving, kind, compassionate manner. In that decider moment I became the defender that I have always been seeking. I became the protector whom I have so craved for in my life. See, I was always looking for my parents, my partners, my friends, whomever, to stand up and fight for me. I was always fighting for others, rarely for myself. I really just wanted someone to fight for me - whether I was right or wrong.

I'm learning from the mirror exercise that the first, last, and most important person to defend and protect me is ME! I'm learning that in knowing God I don't need defense or protection from external sources because no person or circumstance can ever truly cause me damage.

I ain't gon' lie, there is still a struggle when looking in the mirror to give me some love, but there is drastically less Mean Girl shit. More and more I am looking in the mirror and falling in love with the little brown eyed girl staring back at me who's been longing to be loved and accepted.

One day I'm gonna hug that little girl so tightly and with so much love that she instantly drops all fear, pain, and anger and decides it's time to let go and grow up.

Have a Great Day Peeps!

 

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